family imperfections
Posted on 2008.05.17 at 11:20Current Mood:
pleased
Current Music: NFG - king of wishful thinking
i don't mention my family much, my natural family i mean :: outside of the little bubble of perfection that michael, leigh and i create.
it's because
well
they're terrible people
wait
i take that back. i am proof positive that there is good in every living person, and i know them all to have their admirable qualities. they just aren't huge fans of me
and who could blame them? all my family has ever known of me is a troubled girl who lies constantly, who is forever homeless because of apartment evictions, who is a heartbreaker and fundamentally a jobless loser.
i was a mess for nearly all of my twenty two years
my dad and i have never had a really close relationship, i think i remind him of my mother in looks and behavior and that must be terrifying. he has always kept me at a distance, emotionally and physically ... i can't remember the last time i even hugged my dad, even though he is constantly giving them to my siblings and the public at large.
he is the far less dominate personality in his marriage of seventeen + years, and his significant my step mother tammy? she HATES me. strong word i know, but it's entirely true. she hates me because i'm my mother's daughter, because i took precious resources like money from my dad, because i am me - because i breathe.
now i know i'm playing into the wicked stepmother business here, but i assure you towards me at least it's true
i don't know where my little brother and i went wrong
we once were best friends, the closest allies. when our mom would leave us alone for days at a time with no food, when we were shuttled between endless houses on their military endeavors, when we realized our step siblings were more important than we were ... it was us against the world always.
and then - after his accident, we were strangers.
he took out alot of his aggression on me after he became paralyzed. i happen to be everyone's emotional punching bag and my brother Jay took full forced swings. suddenly i became a whore for have given birth to my son, for my ill fated marriage, for my dating sprees and my own demons .. i was condemned in his eyes. cast out.
no longer the big sister but a big mistake
when i first loved michael, we shut ourselves away from the world. we found our own happiness and created a far better family full of laughter and love
with michael i blossomed into this creature that i liked, and i assume everyone else would to given the chance
but they will never see that, to them i will always be that screw up. were i to argue otherwise i would still be a liar.
this all is coming to a head because we ran into them at dinner last night
michael, leighton and i were navigating our way through bowls piled high with Mongolian Grill goodness - content and blissful as ever in our little booth, when over michael's shoulder i saw the familiar skull of 80s envious hair my stepmother tammy rocks.
ugh
then my dad joined her near the entrance pushing my brother's wheelchair, they all took the time to point at michael and i and whisper. the glares they shot us burned ... oh and lucky me the waitress sat them but two seats away. my dad nodded curtly and muttered a hello, jay and tammy had shit eating grins but refused to look our way as they stalked past.
it was just embarrassing
it's how people act (i imagine) when you don't like someone in high school
and i was reminded why i don't miss my family, why i don't feel a loss at purposefully striking them from my life. it's a shame too that i feel that way, i would have thought my brother's life threatening accident would have made us all realize the importance of people ... but apparently i was the only one who ever had those thoughts
and then, after my stomach had churned a bit and we made our hasty exit from the restaurant ... i stood aside and watched michael place leigh into his car seat and i just warmed
'i don't miss them because this is my family now' i thought happily ♥
it's because
well
they're terrible people
wait
i take that back. i am proof positive that there is good in every living person, and i know them all to have their admirable qualities. they just aren't huge fans of me
and who could blame them? all my family has ever known of me is a troubled girl who lies constantly, who is forever homeless because of apartment evictions, who is a heartbreaker and fundamentally a jobless loser.
i was a mess for nearly all of my twenty two years
my dad and i have never had a really close relationship, i think i remind him of my mother in looks and behavior and that must be terrifying. he has always kept me at a distance, emotionally and physically ... i can't remember the last time i even hugged my dad, even though he is constantly giving them to my siblings and the public at large.
he is the far less dominate personality in his marriage of seventeen + years, and his significant my step mother tammy? she HATES me. strong word i know, but it's entirely true. she hates me because i'm my mother's daughter, because i took precious resources like money from my dad, because i am me - because i breathe.
now i know i'm playing into the wicked stepmother business here, but i assure you towards me at least it's true
i don't know where my little brother and i went wrong
we once were best friends, the closest allies. when our mom would leave us alone for days at a time with no food, when we were shuttled between endless houses on their military endeavors, when we realized our step siblings were more important than we were ... it was us against the world always.
and then - after his accident, we were strangers.
he took out alot of his aggression on me after he became paralyzed. i happen to be everyone's emotional punching bag and my brother Jay took full forced swings. suddenly i became a whore for have given birth to my son, for my ill fated marriage, for my dating sprees and my own demons .. i was condemned in his eyes. cast out.
no longer the big sister but a big mistake
when i first loved michael, we shut ourselves away from the world. we found our own happiness and created a far better family full of laughter and love
with michael i blossomed into this creature that i liked, and i assume everyone else would to given the chance
but they will never see that, to them i will always be that screw up. were i to argue otherwise i would still be a liar.
this all is coming to a head because we ran into them at dinner last night
michael, leighton and i were navigating our way through bowls piled high with Mongolian Grill goodness - content and blissful as ever in our little booth, when over michael's shoulder i saw the familiar skull of 80s envious hair my stepmother tammy rocks.
ugh
then my dad joined her near the entrance pushing my brother's wheelchair, they all took the time to point at michael and i and whisper. the glares they shot us burned ... oh and lucky me the waitress sat them but two seats away. my dad nodded curtly and muttered a hello, jay and tammy had shit eating grins but refused to look our way as they stalked past.
it was just embarrassing
it's how people act (i imagine) when you don't like someone in high school
and i was reminded why i don't miss my family, why i don't feel a loss at purposefully striking them from my life. it's a shame too that i feel that way, i would have thought my brother's life threatening accident would have made us all realize the importance of people ... but apparently i was the only one who ever had those thoughts
and then, after my stomach had churned a bit and we made our hasty exit from the restaurant ... i stood aside and watched michael place leigh into his car seat and i just warmed
'i don't miss them because this is my family now' i thought happily ♥
determined
ecstatic
energetic
mellow