brandylyn_kay

two feet on the ground

2008-11-19T02:37:11Z

days after our one year anniversary i find myself in the home that michael and i share ... alone

he's gone. banished by my own desire

why?

nothing he has done or could ever do, i assure you. michael is the most amazing person i've ever met, he's thoughtful and passionate - brilliant and funny

everything you could want in a boy really

which is why i've grounded myself from him, from his constant hugs and kisses and comfort.

because i'm not fit enough to have such a great person right now

i'm lazy and spoiled and melancholy. i'm whole heartedly unhappy with MYSELF and i've turned that aggression and frustration on him.

i've sat around for a year now letting myself fade away and get fat/happy in the relationship. michael jumps to my every whim, i hardly have to move and yet i still eat and drink because he places it all out for me

i've become helpless. i'm like a baby, i ask on him for everything

i don't have the slightest idea of what bills we have, how much they are and when theyre due. michael takes care of everything while i float along like a freaking zombie. i can barely remember what i did yesterday. period (curse, thy name is depression)

i'm not contributing to the relationship at all anymore. all i do is ASK ASK ASK and TAKE TAKE TAKE

it took my until just this morning to realize that, i love him too damn much to make him suffer me anymore the way i have been and am

michael deserves an equal partner, someone who will shoulder exactly half of every responsibility even if it is cleaning out the kitty litter box. he's not a maid or a cook, he's my heart

i've been taking him for granted while i swallow in my own misery of being a few pounds heavier and exceedingly boring

and i'm not going to do it. anymore

unfortunately i think that meant removing him from the situation

he's too kind of a person to believe and understand what i'm saying when i try to explain all of this. but i see the way i snap at him, i see it through this weird haze of semi awareness

i need to find myself again

the brandylyn who got dropped on her ass a million times, but always got back up after a few tears and dusted herself right off. i've been left homeless, barefoot and pregnant, with no food and not a cent to my name ... and eventually i became a fighter

every new challenge would bring new strength and resolve. i don't honestly know that a lot of people would have made it out with so few scars

when i was in a 'relationship' before it was like a vacation, they helped for a while with life and bills - but when things got either too REAL or too TOUGH they couldn't run fast enough ... leaving me with all the broken pieces yet again

i got good at getting back on that goddamn horse

but when michael kept sticking around, and when i realized he actually wanted to stay and meant it ... i got comfortable. and fat. and lazy. and spoiled

it takes the first real good man to make me a wreck? after all the bastards before him that tried and only gave me a thicker spine?

i think not

i'm going to find that girl again. that girl that can make it through anything, take care of herself and really have substance

i'll have to dig through layers of cheeseburgers and trampled self esteem ... but eventually i'll find her.

i'll find the brandylyn that would rather read a book than watch tv, who cries when she sees elderly people and is willing to help anyone. i'm going to find the girl who rose before the sun to jog and get in shape, just to have more self pride.

and when i do, i'll be a better person. and a better partner for the man i love. not to mention a better friend, mother and basic human being

to sum up - i'm living alone, in the house of cute cabinetry and comfy sheets. michael is safe with his family, and right now we're both suffering but we're looking forward to being US again soon.

in the meantime we're still dating exclusively, i mean - we haven't broken up. i just don't want him to feel like he has to enable me anymore. i want to be the brandylyn he fell in love with and wants to be with because she has admirable qualities ... and not just because he feels committed

he deserves better

and i'm going to be exactly that

happy birthday to me!

2008-11-10T01:31:56Z

twenty three is going to be a great year

i can tell

friday evening i clambered into my best friend's hot little car to find roses, a card and a tiara made of blinking LED lights. oh joy :}

we met up with jeremiah and marshall at the sports bar and i proceeded to see if i could possibly get alcohol poisoning, which apparently i can't. despite what seems to have been my best effort - with 16 shots, six beers and vanilla vodka burning a hole in my liver.

as embarrassed as i am now, i can't overlook the fact that i had a table full of people there to take care of me. and that means alot. i mean ... i'm pretty sure i was ungodly and ridiculous not long after eleven oclock, and they still love me. my heart is just full with how happy i am there were people to celebrate with and to laugh off my embarrassing moments

the next day (sat which was my actual birthday) found me shrugging off a hangover from hell to meet my coworkers at chili's for lunch. how very grown up i felt having a lunch with my department. we're a tight little bunch in IMS and i love it, adore them

i had to work for a tid bit after that, but nothing terrible ... an hour or two to 'roll' the college games.

then back home o my wonderful boys whom i live for. michael surprised me with a shopping spree for new clothes since i've lost some weight and nothing fits, and then we three had chocolate cake in the warm and lavender scented house.

i had a great birthday, with great people to celebrate with.

i'm a very lucky girl and i'm looking forward to the year ahead.

best birthday ever :]

teeny tiny update

2008-10-29T23:23:44Z

i feel so very

ADULT

(see - my job is the shit and rocks)

i love being the first one in the office at work, i adore the quiet and the relative darkness as i go about the duties of turning on the computers and televisions. if i'm lucky enough i have a chance to run the coffee through the filtration process twice, which must make it double strength ... surely? and then i sit and catch a bit of the morning news before my shift technically starts

it's bliss

i'm proving to be capable and a valued member of the editing department

i am brandylyn kay - broadcast engineer III

i make sure that all your sports, pay per view and porn watching dreams come true

i'm like god

i code events to play at designated time slots, i keep in close contact with networks like MTV and FOX ... i use garamond as my email font and everyone knows of the little blonde girl in IMS.

after a long day i talk weather with the security guards, scan my badge and drive home in my cute little sports car. only to go home and spend time with the two greatest people in the world before starting the cycle again the next day

i love my job. i love my life and the people in it. i love my cars and my house.

i love being grown up

which reminds me

i'll be twenty three soon. my co-workers are all taking me out to eat with my little family and theirs, at any place i choose

i am just so damned happy :)

go ahead and speculate

2008-10-15T18:07:11Z

i've done a million things wrong in life, and a million more not worth counting - i've been a terrible friend, lover and family member. including and not limited to sister, mother, wife ect

since i returned to the community from being on probation and in the girl's school (which is kind of like, crazy teenage dyke prison upstate) i've been a mess. ive stolen, borrowed, begged and made a fool of myself. i am most likely a laughing stock because of my mistakes

and i've carried that burden for a long time, with fake smiles and even faker good deeds

but i'm done

i'm done wallowing in what was.

yesterday? gone! the days before that? history!

right now, in this moment

i'm not my mistakes, i'm not my lies or debts

i'm brandylyn k white.

my son is a beautiful and smart little boy, who is loud with no reason and generous with kisses. he adores me i know, and i'm very thankful for that.

my partner is a very sweet and caring man, he's incredibly strong physically and emotionally. he's trusted me without reason and he's always thought the best of me, something that i've lived up to. he was the first to give me a chance and i've learned so much from him

i live in a quaint yet wonderful little home, i can see the state capitol building from my kitchen window and it looks most amazing at night in the glow of spotbeams. i have the 'family' car i've always wanted, it needs a new back tire and a god scrubbing but it carries us safely to and from. i have, also, my rx7 - my only hobby and great source of pride.

sometimes we live as a family from paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes dinner is ramen noodles. i still have nightmares that make me cry and shake, and often the house is dirty.

i have a friendship that requires a lot of daily maintenance, a lot of effort. but it's worth it to snap pictures in bathrooms and cheer obnoxiously at sunday hockey games

every night (late afternoon?) when i get home from work, i have two beautiful and smiling faces that run to greet me and my heart blooms. i'm a hero in their eyes, and leighton loves me even though some of my worst mistakes were towards him. michael thinks i'm beautiful and smart, and the love between us only gets better

i'm the girl now, that i've always wanted to be

it came to me as an epiphany last night.

yeah, my past sucks.

but that's that.

my future doesn't have to, and WON'T suck

i've learned from every bad choice and venom filled moment. i've survived heartbreak and bad times that would have driven most of the people who still judge me as a hobby to jumping off a rooftop.

i'm going to stop hating those people by the way. i'm just going to continue to feel badly for them, that they have nothing better to do with their time. that their lives aren't interesting enough to gossip about. i feel sorry they'll always be in the same mud slinging fight and will never take the chance to step out of the hole and cleanse themselves like i did

i'm going to stop worrying about who disrespects me and questions my choices, it's my life - not theirs.

and my life is fucking awesome :]

no one promised this would be easy

2008-10-04T04:07:39Z

sick to tummy

life is falling to shat and it's all because of me

well - not really. allow me to explain

MOST things are going incredibly well. i just landed a 34,000 a year job as a broadcast engineer (that's right bitches, i'm a engineer) i've caught up on bills, the rx7 is finally fixed ... i'm loosing a little weight and finally sleeping at night

but my relationship?

i can feel it floating away from me in a hurry

and i'm not sure i want to scratch and pull at it to come back

i spent the greater part of my life chasing after people who didn't want me, who didn't care. with michael i have never HAD that particular problem, in fact ... the roles have been reversed

i don't long for michael

i don't usually miss him when i've been gone for a few hours ... which i have been doing a lot lately. i look for any excuse to leave the house. i hit the gym, i work, i take leigh to the library or to the park. and usually when i come home, the house is messy (not dirty, just not in order) and michael is still clacking away at the keyboard playing WoW

we haven't done the intimacy thing in a while, i don't try and when he does i feign out

ugh

i've always heard the first year is the hardest, and maybe with our anniversary approaching i'm just having a mild tantrum.

but i have a feeling it's more than that

i'm bored, i'm not attracted and i'm caged

it totally figures though, i finally find someone who actually wants to play house/husband/father and i'm the one that freaks out

karma. it really is a bitch

the truth is - my heart was never free to give away to michael

i'm an unfair and horrible person.

despite all this i really do love michael, i'm just not in love with him. ha. great line right?

i need to fall back in love. but i don't know how.

i don't, equally, know how you fall OUT of love with someone while in a relationship but can never STOP loving someone who hates you ... years later

i'm all over you. i'm not over you

this is all corey's fault

he started texting me, being friendly. and this time i wasn't pretending to be michael to keep up their friendship, i was openly me. and he was friendly and funny for a few weeks. at 2 am when i couldn't sleep, who was there? corey. there was nothing longing about it, in fact - he made great show of telling me about all the hot girls he was into while out clubbing. he even invited me out with michael!

HA!

like i would go out clubbing the way i look now. i would be so embarrassed. the only reason for going somewhere an ex is, is to show off what they can't have. and ummm, frankly? i have nothing but a few extra lbs. and arms the size of some girls' waistlines to show off

do i LOOK happy?!

random question i know.

but i've always fit the part. when i'm happy, truly happy, it shines through in everything. and now? i'm bald, i have no cute/good clothes that fit and oh yeah, i'm 30 lbs heavier ... which on a 5 foot 2 frame might as well be 100 pounds.
i went to shit cosmetically with michael, and when i was chasing for banging corey - i looked the best i ever have in my life

and now? when i hit the gym, i hit it hard! and the only thing that makes me do so, is hoping one day corey looks at me and doesn't see a heifer

michael likes me just as i am. but i don't. doesn't that count for anything?! i don't know why he doesn't support me in being healthy and sexy

my paper heart is a mess

anyway, corey is being nice. blach, blah ... then i made the mistake of saying 'hi' when someone was around corey. and of course he got all indignant like 'i only text this phone to talk to michael'

BS.

why play stinking games like this?! why have fun and semi intelligent conversations with me every damn weekend and then go berserk and never speak to me again?

i'm not stupid

there are friggin unresolved issues that make us both act out like this

ugh

i've never cheated, never really. cheaters disgust me.

but i can't help but think, wow it's really not that hard to WANT someone else. i mean i tell myself every single day i would never hurt michael like that. but nor would i trust myself alone with corey. just him, i'm not exactly after every pair of slim cut jeans on the street

rantrantrant

i know my heart will never pump for michael the way it did/does/will for corey. even today, corey's car pulled behind me in traffic and i thought i was going into adrenaline shock.

i'm a sick person. i should seek counseling or alcohol abuse. i should flog myself repeatedly. i should be left homeless like every other time, if i don't want michael then he should just take the house and the cars and ...

god i hope i get past this. i think i'm just going through a midlife crisis, you know - i only just tasted the fun single young adult life and i might never again unless i somehow become a single 30 something from screwing up like this

i'm so ashamed

& his name is deacon

2008-09-20T06:27:35Z

of all the itty fluffs of kittens wren gave to us, we ultimately decided to keep one ... the coal black kitty with tuxedo buttons and ear tips of white.

deacon!

he has proven to be a variable dervish of activity, a powerhouse even. he's forever fighting with a loose shoelace or thundering around the house like a miniature pixie horse. he loves to take a bath with leigh, when the water isn't too high and his best friend is the food bowl. the laser pointer haunts his kitty dreams, i'm sure of it
most noteworthy (!) unlike wren, who must be pulled onto our laps and pet into submission, he enjoys cuddling as much as previously mentioned antics.

ie -

loves him something fierce

*

also in life -

leighton is learning to talk!

oh my god, you don't know how long i've worried about this.
and for good reason.
his older biological brother, he who lives with my mother and both are thoroughly estranged from me, did not speak at all. ever, when i knew him. he chose instead to SCREAM about everything. it's my personal belief he was / is mildly autistic, i may never know.
but from all the days of being hollered at by a child frustrated with the inability to speak, my nerves became frazzled and prepared for the worst with leighton.

but it doesn't seem so.
it happened out of no where, one day while sitting watching sprout's 'the sharing show' he said VERY clearly "tip"
huh?
again, "tip"
OHHHHHHH!
so as an experiment i ran to get his sippy cup (which we call Tippy) from the dishwasher, filled it with some milk and when i came back i was rewarded with a peck.
on a side note - bless this child of mine that loves to kiss

since then it's tiny words for everything, like i said, a mere start - but ever so exciting!
there's ...
da
mama :]
that - which to be fair sounds more like DAT
mine
no! (usually reserved for bad kitties)
chesse
ut oh
peese - please
sum
bye bye
(it must be said, he's always uttered 'hikitty' but it was more like imitation, and now it's perfected)

my heart beats for him. it really does
and i'm reminded every day of what it's like to be amazed by your child and every little thing they do. even the fact that when we're getting ready to leave the house he brings us our shoes one by one, no matter what state of undress we might be in or where in the house we are.

things, are as ever, going so well i could cry

though i do wish, that i could find and therefore maintain the perfect job. i have an interview with the dish netowrk on monday, who will basically pay me a fair high wage to watch television and report reception errors or blank screens. sweet. wish me luck

happy birthday izan!

2008-09-16T19:32:34Z

for you i wish hours soaking in yummy bath salts at a spa, cute little Glass Slippers heels and a tote to fit tons of yummy new makeup. for you i hope a mended heart and a fresh start

happy birthday beautiful :]

:D

2008-09-16T08:44:02Z

michael has been leaving later in the morning (by 'later' i mean five thirty instead of three am lol) to attend T3 trainer class at work ... which apparently means he has a bite of time to mess around on the interwebs befor he flies out the door ... because today i woke up to the cutest little note in my inbox <3

From : Szep

Date: Sep 15, 2008 05:52 AM

Subject:

lotsa things I love about you

Body:

1. Your dry wit
2. Your ability to put aside your own discomfort for the good of the family.
3. Your patience with our leigh leigh
4. Your ability to calm me when I’m irritated
5. Your ability to learn quickly
6. Your never ending supply of love
7. The way you hug leigh often
8. Your gutter sense of humor
9. The way you appreciate my gutter sense of humor
10. The freedom you give me
11. Your independence
12. Your gentle mannerisms
13. Your body
14. Your incredible intellect
15. Your reservoir of knowledge
16. The consistent structure you provide leigh
17. The way you kiss my neck
18. The way you take time to spend one on one with leigh everyday
19. Your inner geek
20. The great team we make in parenting
21. Your ability to stick it out even when the going gets tough
22. Your optimistic attitude
23. The way you look in that in your suit
24. How you encourage me to spend money and pamper myself
25. How you support my hobbies
26. Your creativeness
27. How you support my friendships
28. How you usually let me pick the restaurant
29. The way you put up with me.
30. How you make scrambled eggs
31. How you make me coffee just the way I like it.
32. How you want to travel to the places I do.
33. The security you provide me.
34. Your ability to tell me when I am wrong in a gentle way.
35. Your verbal gratitude
36. Your soft kisses
37. your stability
38. The way you feel with your body spooned behind me.
39. The sound of your breathing when you sleep
40. The way your hair feels when I run my fingers through it.
41. Your appreciation of my control freakish ways
42. How you keep leigh quiet on days I can sleep in.
43. How you will apologize when you are wrong.
44. How you will be gracious when I am wrong and only point it out 20 times since it happens so rarely (Ha!)
45. The ways you let me push the envelope
46. The fact we have made it through a 10 month history without ending it
47. Your ability to detach ng from what isn’t important.
48. Your hard kisses
49. The way your eyes twinkle when you are laughing
50. The way you balance and complete me.

Baby I love you more than anything, you are my world~!

i'm a very lucky girl to have someone see my imperfections perfectly. i go to sleep at night knowing i'm being a good mommy and a loving partner, not to mention the fact that i'm adored by both ... what more can you possibly ask for?

to the powers that be - thank you for giving me everything i thought i never deserved

the casey anthony case -

2008-09-14T06:23:53Z

it's driving me b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

for those of you who aren't familiar with the nonsense caylee-casey anthony case, i would advise you get out rom under your rock and google that shit :]

briefly, however, for the sake of discussion : young mother goes out clubbing and tossing around boyfriends while SUPPOSEDLY her child's babysitter has taken the little girl caylee ... never to be seen again it would seem.
caylee was reported missing a full month after her alleged kidnapping by the babysitter (who by the way, does not exist according to extensive police investigations)
as the story developed - cadaver dogs, trained of course to find evidence of decomposition, find such evidence in the mother's residence's backyard and near the trunk of casey's abandoned car
casey will tell no one where he daughter is and refuses the possibility that little caylee is dead, despite a tennessee forensics lab confirming her decayed DNA in the trunk of aforementioned car

this case has become a three ring circus of casey haters, protesters and the media at large.
even i'm enveloped, routinely in front of my tv every weeknight at six to watch the unfolding drama

and after many long baths to ponder my obsession

i've decided it's because casey is a young mother, and seems to be a pathological liar

hmmm, all too familiar to me

before her initial arrest she took investigators to universal studios where she said she worked, and eventually after leading them through unknown hallways there she announced that no, she didn't really work there. the apartment she said she dropped little caylee off at has been vacant for five months+
she stole money from her grandfather's retirement fund, forged checks from a friend for over a thousand dollars

the list goes on

and i'm forced to remember, that once i wasn't that different

you could say the sky was blue, show it to my own fully functioning eyes, and i would still hold to my own lie that it was zebra stripped
i've been caught, i've gone unnoticed, i've hurt and i've sometimes helped with my lies ... but i've always done it.

lying was once easier for me to spew than the truth on any given day

i'm embarrassed of myself. i hate that the one truth about me was that i couldn't tell the TRUTH to save my life!

like the day corey came home and confronted me about not working. while he was working two jobs to support us, i would sit at home all day or go through huge rouses to fake a work schedule. even sleeping in my car all day if i knew he was going to be home

that hurts most

but there are a million more. countless more lies surrounding and trailing me like a vicious cloud

when i stopped it was only because i was spending every moment of the day with michael and had no lies to fabricate. i guess somewhere along our relationship the truth just became a habit, like lying once was

i'm not saying i've ever had a dead body in my truck, but i can understand her lying. she said she was working, to her boyfriend that she was going to school - i can understand making your own reality and the then after snowball effect. it's so easy to lie

i hate her, i wish she'd finally be selfless enough to tell someone where to find her poor baby for a proper burial. if i met her face to face i don't doubt i'd spit in her mug ...

but i guess, i'm enamored and obsessed so because - i've lived similarly and this could have been my rose colored reality

i finally understand how upsetting it was for friends and family to want to beat the truth out of me.

and i want to say, from someone who was once a shadow of casey anthony's bizarre nature

the truth shall set you free

someday

leighton satan - deux

2008-08-15T06:45:24Z

my everything :: my little bundle of giggles and high fives turned two last week :]

i felt very much the 'mom' as i stumbled in the door on my lunch break, stressed from picking up the necessities AND celebrating within my precious time slot. the moment i set the cake on the table and tied the bright blue balloons to his chair, the little monster clambered up and demanded confections.

so i delivered <3

as i watched him murder the cake and NOM it all down, i got those floaty motherly feelings that so often elude me.

normally i treat leighton more like a sibling than my own flesh and blood child - we roll around and play like WWE fans, we tickle fight and argue ... but on days like this i just am overcome by how blessed i am

he really is a remarkable and beautiful child

he helps to pick out his own clothes, which usually entail tiny jeans and a funny tee shirt. (the 'i still live with my parents' is a personal favorite)

he is adamant about not being ready to tackle the potty training issue just yet

he sings in the car. loudly

he loves to hold hands while walking

he would rather sleep on the floor beside his bed than actually on it ... but that's a huge graduation from the week he slept under it. (i swear to you, i thought he'd been kidnapped and my heart stopped)

his favorite game is itsy bisty spider, and in fact he can NEARLY do all the hand motions in time

he gives kisses willingly and in great numbers

and

he absolutely loves violence on TV. really, he lives for it. the moment something falls or a face is punched he literally shouts with delight

he is most wonderful

*

from my pure amazement and wonder towards him, my thought track wavered to what brought us this far

...

how life for leighton began as a full and promising belly

or how complete i felt when he finally made his debut in the world, amidst much tragedy and turmoil he was an island of velvet soft baby skin and chubby limbs

then he proved to be quite the dancer, and a very young man of many funny faces

and my god, never before has a child had more pure passionate love for bubbles

&hearts;

he is my gorgeous, sweet and smart mohawked wonder

and i can't wait for the day he grows into an equally amazing man. lord knows he's going to be something else!

loves him :]

bearing my soul

2008-08-10T07:00:51Z

i have an older son

his name is damian treat overling, and this past july he turned four years old

i have not seen him in two years, he lives with my mother karen

and

i'm okay with that

*

let's start at the beginning, shall we?

in junior high i met and maintained a purely acquaintance based friendship with a boy named matt.

we weren't even really good friends, in fact i kind of always thought him to be very strange and obnoxious ... especially since he was a grade behind me and the kind who always interrupted class in math II

then, a mutual friend of ours unfortunately committed suicide. (damin has this boy's middle name in fact)

matt was designated as a pallbearer and devastated at the loss. i could see the toil and hurt in his eyes as he stood at the front of the church and then later found him crying outside. my heart just - it seeped from my chest. i can't explain it, i had never wanted before to just take care of someone so much ... to make them happy

long story short - i found out, or at least admitted, that i was pregnant six months later

my pregnancy seemed to fly by. i was so scared, so unprepared. i had hardly even had exposure to young children outside of nieces and nephews. i saw my life ending with every trimester, i dropped out of school, got my GED and a full time job :: i was miserably resolved.

everyone around me was thrilled. matt had puppy like excitement and my mother was already planning out the child's whole life it seemed. i felt al along like a container, a mere vessel to shuttle their little dream child into the world. a child i secretly loathed

the birth of dami-butt (as i would affectionately start calling him) was ... the worst experience of my life

much like motherhood i was unprepared for the blood, pain and horror that is child birth. it wasn't the calming, nurturing experience everyone foretold ... it was a nightmare. i thought i was going to die, i've forgotten how many hours i was in labor now (a trick of the mind no doubt) but it seemed like days. and then after?

after

i felt nothing. i didn't instantly love my child.

that's the honest to god truth

i felt like a monster, i thought - 'well this is just the baby blues, it will pass'

but it never did. never ever

i continued to feel lost in the situation. i worked hard everyday, i rose before the sun to get to work as a customer service rep ... i dropped the baby off with my grandmother , i came home with dami from work and wasted my days in routine. my life flew by in a blur of neutrality

i stayed with matt because it was the right thing to do, but i didn't love him.

which is why he left.
matt left with little or no 'to do' on father's day, and i marched through it like the emotionless robot i felt like

matt delved into partying and drugs, other women and booze ... and i stayed the course. work, home, sleep, repeat

and then

i started dating

i met my husband tristan and really committed myself to keeping him around, so much so that i neglected damian.

at the time i didn't see myself doing it.
it was certainly not a conscience effort. while my heart didn't beat for damian, it wasn't that i didn't care about him ... i just lost my damn mind. for the first time in my life i was going out, feeling beautiful and wanted. it was my own personal drug. my crack, my heroin. and like most addicts my child suffered because of my priorities.
i was a terrible mother then

gone went all the hard work carrying and birthing him, and raising him up until then. i might as well have thrown him in a dumpster.

my mother took him, with help from the grandmother i nonchalantly dropped him off with, and even my friends

i always said to myself - what i needed was HELP and not to have everything stripped from me. not to have my life ruined.

but i didn't fight to have damian back. very soon after she took him i found out i was pregnant with leighton

i let damian go.

damian is in a safe and loving environment, his father joined the military and is proving to be a great role model. and while the relationship with my family is completely severed because of the pain and betrayal i feel, i know they love him better than i ever did.

*

sometimes i look at pictures of him to see ... anything.

and i really don't.
i see a little boy that looks exactly like a blond haired version of his father. i see in the pictures my mother in the role i might have had - snap shots of them having birthday cake and playing Thomas the train. and yet i still feel nothing for either subjects in the photograph

when i had leighton i actually lived and breathed for that little boy. i held him close and bonded, he's my entire joy and my best friend. i love leighton with all my heart

and while i feel like a failure for not giving damian an equal or greater devotion, i can't force it.

i think i was always a vessel for matt and my mother to have a glowing little boy. i never felt like his mother and to this day do not. i wonder if it's a trick of the mind :: to keep me detached so as not to be in constant heartbreaking pain. but i really don't know

what i do know is

i'm glad there's a little boy out there for a lot of people to love, and i'm sorry i can't be one of them.
i'm hopeful that i passed on a few good features (he has my nose) and equally that one day he grows outside of all of this mess and doesn't hate the woman who gave him life. i hope he doesn't resent his brother leighton for being loved and at home

i hope that one day i can forgive myself. i hope i can lower my pride and realize that he needed something more than i could give him and that he's happy.

i guess every mother wants happiness for her child, despite everything.

crazy betch

2008-08-03T06:19:32Z

yes ... yes ... my plan for world domination and total annihilation is nearly complete! all i need do now is cover everyone else's car that i hate with grass clippings! mwhahahaha

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

there are whispers that i'm the suspect of a totally random event - in which this girl's car was covered in grass from a recently mowed lawn.

ummm, right

not only do i not own a lawnmower, from which to cultivate the sheared tops of a lawn

but

i have absolutely better things to do with my evenings. kthanx

and on another note

if i even cared enough to even bother with this chick, i have plenty more clever means of revenge than a bag of lawn remains on her crappy car. jesus

people in this town are TINY and ridiculous. the end.

i'm only taking notice and making note of it because it is so damn funny.

no, no, no

see if i wanted to get revenge on this particular girl i'd have to

:: befriend every one of her ex boyfriends (though that might make it difficult since she's been with the same lying, cheating bastard her whole life ... and he's LESS worth befriending than a rabid pit bull)

:: gossip and speculate about her until my eyes bled from all the analytical thoughts

:: i'd have to wait until she had an irreparable relationship with her parents, like i do - and THEN talk to and hang out with them. BFFs forever!

:: let michael talk about her constantly, like her loser boyfriend did to me. i'd have to sit by and loyally say nothing while michael posted bulletins about her sexual activities and called her 'lower than dirt'. (but that wouldn't work either, michael is way better than that. much to my chagrin)

:: and i'd certainly have to speculate that random bad events in my life are directly linked to her. that tube of chapstick that i lost? she totally stole it. oh and my tipped over trash can? SO her

because after all - do unto others as they've done unto you right?

this!

this is why we aren't friends anymore!

not because of this wild mean streak in me. or because i was looking for a fight, or future means of 'green revenge' ... no. because i'm tired of the many mystifying levels of patronizing, passive aggressive gossip BULLSHIT our 'friendship' turned into!

done. SRSLY

[home]

2008-08-03T04:17:09Z

so much more than walls and windows.

it's the one place in the world where i actually belong, where my quirks and characteristics are welcomed and adored. where i can play housewife and the perfect mother.

it's the scene of so many romantic moments, and more that were simply perfect.

happy to be here :]

something creepy?

2008-07-28T18:34:19Z

on the left?

the boyfriend - nay betrothed, future husband. loves him with all my itty heart

on the right?

cousin of boyfriend. see also EX boyfriend

hmmmm.

hair ER

2008-07-27T12:44:59Z

to the powers that may or may not be ::

please, please, please don't make me cut my hair.

with all my heart i beseech you

i know due to over processing and bleach tub dives, the mess atop my head is more akin to straw than hair ... i know that i would save myself a lot of time and expensive reconstructing efforts if i just hacked off the damage and began anew ... and equally i'm aware that it wouldn't be detrimental because (hell) i look cute with short hair

but -

it took me so long to even get this far! nearly eleven months and i'm sporting five inches?! unfair!

i want so badly to be able to loop and swirl my hair into a cute updo for the wedding next year, and there is NO way if i chopped it now it would be at the length my fantasy demands!

ugh

i've got a somewhat desperate assortment of reconstruction products nearby which i plan to use all friggin day, month - year

hopefully they'll at least give me a glimmer of hope. if i can even get another inch of growth out f this mess i can snip the very ends and be right where i want to be.

please!

any emergency care for hair advise would be greatly appreciated

and yes, one day - i will doubtlessly learn to stop doing this crap to myself.

alive with the glory of updates

2008-07-26T18:52:05Z

for the first year, like ever, the week-long festivities of cheyenne frontier days proved to be - amazing

michael's family arrived on tuesday and it was a heartfelt joy to see them all reunite. within five minutes they were all huddled around the playstation and finishing each other's quips and sentences. they're great, they have the same delightfully wicked sense of humor and big doe eyes.

michael's sister stormey has been staying with us since, his brother with cousins. so we took the opportunity to celebrate and go a little bonkers with our stimulus checks :]

wednesday we all rolled out of bed early to attend the pancake breakfast, which would have been more delightful if my tastebuds were also awake at that ungodly hour.

thursday we managed the parade.

leighton was delighted at the never ending stream of horses, and thus assured me that he is in fact my blood child. michael held me close as the sights went by at a snail's pace and i was just ... happy

after the last of the floats and street sweepers passed by we walked home (bless us for getting a house within walking distance to all the fun!) and readied for the real event of the day -

the denver aquarium!

after the initial hour long adventure of being semi-lost in an unfamiliar town, we landed in an underwater wonderland. leigh squealed and delighted at absolutely everything, and we (the adults?) resolved to swim with the sharks the next time we visited

it was all so amazing and beautiful, though for an 'aquarium' it had a wide variety of animals (like Sumatran tigers and a reptile house) and most of the concentration was on the restaurant portion of the tour - we had a great time.

i hate myself for forgetting the camera at home. we have a few snapshots on the cell phones but they hardly to the glory of the place justice.

on the way home we swung byt the centerra shops for some extravagant shopping, and so that leigh might frolic in the ground water display.

it was, in one word - adorable

in a series on twelve valves, water would spurt up from the ground in a sort of mini fountain - and apparently kids were allowed to get soaked :: for when we sauntered up there was already a heard of small people in various states of undress playing around in the sprays and puddles

leigh joined them without pause

and so we watched from the grassy knoll nearby, michael and i every bit the proud parents. and when a sopping wet little boy was too tired to hardly stand, we took him home and ended our perfect day

THEN (lol)

last night, stormey was kind enough to watch leigh while michael and i made the carnival our date night.

it was so romantic, walking hand in hand through the bright lights. he looks especially lovely upside down on the ring of fire :] where he gave me a quick kiss and the twelve year olds behind us serenaded us with 'k-i-s-s-i-n-g' in good fun. even when the rain came we danced under the pitter patter and hopped in puddles together like kids

i've never been happier

polyvore!

2008-07-26T17:38:49Z

my friend ashely totally turned me onto this site, i loves it and i'm getting better all the time!

this would be a regular outfit if i were, say, filthy stinking rich and weighed about one mary-kate olsen :]

NAMI walk

2008-07-26T16:41:52Z

much to my dismay, i don't really have the ability to help much ... being thousands of miles away and everything ... but we all can do our part to help those with mental illnesses by spreading the word.

even if you, yourself, don't suffer from any mental disorder i'm sure you know someone who does. so if you live anywhere near cleveland, or if there is an organized walk for the cause in your area ... do your part! you'll feel all the better for it <3

thanks to annie for soildering the cause!

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Filthy Flamingo
Date: Jul 26, 2008 12:36 AM

So, I have caught the overachiever bug again. Today I volunteered to be the Co-captain of the Greater-Cleveland NAMIWalks team. For those of you not in the know NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) is a non-profit organization that provides help for people living with a mental illness such as bi-polar and depression. The Surgeon General reports that 22.1 percent of people ages 18 and older suffer from mental illness in a given year. This means you or someone you know could be living with a mental illness. Each year NAMI of Greater Cleveland holds a fundraising walk in order to raise money for their organization. The walk this year will be held on September Sixth, 2008 at Voinovich Park, which is located near the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The Walks starts at 10:00 am and will take place rain or shine. The total walking distance is 2.5 miles but walkers may walk shorter distances, which I am thankful for. I will most likely be handing out water and such as well.

All walkers must register for the walk. There is no registration fee. Feel free to bring the entire family because there will be refreshments as well as music and other fun.
If you wish to become a walker or want to donate to a wonderful cause please contact me on here or email me at againes126@yahoo.com for details or you can copy and paste

http://www. nami. org/walkTemplate. cfm?section=namiwalks&Template=/customsource/namiwalks/walkerpage. cfm&walkerID=62376 in your browser to donate

Or

http://www. nami. org/walkTemplate. cfm?section=namiwalks&Template=/customsource/namiwalks/teampage. cfm&teamID=11479 in your browser to become a walker.

the old ball and chain

2008-07-20T17:07:55Z

i've decided that if i had the self control and determination - that i would go all anorexic (ala pre baby nicole ritchie)

i know a statement like that just screams for help and expensive therapy sessions, but really i am so so tired of the way i look currently. yeah sure i know, i'm only like twenty five pounds overweight for my body type and height ... blah blah blah

facts and reason mean nothing when you're standing next to a gorgeous boyfriend who weighs like, air. or when i know that in a mere month i'm supposed to go down and meet his friends and family back home

i mean

michael comes from park city utah. this is like, upper class people! forgive me for sounding like a wyoming native.

park city is where the rich and beautiful go to play in the snow and watch crappy indie flicks during sundance. and i'm going to look so out of place ... the very idea is horrifying. especially meeting all of michael's high school and college friends, who look like extras on the set of one tree hill.

... his ex girlfriend, who he is still great friends with - looks like a fuller lipped rachel bilson clone. so unfair

and yeah i know that i have the personality to keep him and make him happy, i'm a pretty cool female.
but i think i'd be that much cooler and more confident if i weighed about 120

seriously i have everything in the world to make me happy. i have aforementioned mr. perfect by my side to love and adore me. i have a brilliant little boy, a house, two cars, rolling balls of kitten fluff and foster dogs ...

and yet

i have these crazy dominating thoughts like 'i wish i could be locked in a room with no food for a few weeks'
ummm, hello insanity? thy name is brandylyn

i just want my outward appearance to match everything else, my blessings and personality traits

boo hissssss

kitties and a concussion

2008-07-13T15:28:10Z

around seven this morning i was awoken by Wren, our very pregnant half Siamese, rubbing fiercely against my cheek and holwing miserably.

needless to say, it was on.

so i scrambled out from under the covers and escourted her to her box, full of comfy blankets and towels in prime real estate beneath the window. all was going well, wren was cuddled against me while her stomach heaved.

then leigh woke up

with michael at work i didn't have any help, and i needed to get my little mohawked boy breakfast ... so i rose to do so and WHAM

right into the open window frame, forehead first

sweet right?

so as of this report we have : three kittens AND a split skull.

the kittens are wonderful little mewing messes. first was a backwards boy, nearly black at first and now fading to brown tabby. then another boy birthed properly, the same color as the one before. then just after came a little girl, also tabby in color but with a tiny white face and feet.

the first we christened Hayden, the second Taylor and the girl Genoa - likely they won't stick because we ended to give them to families later on, but for now we are excersising our parental motives and giving them all names we would have liked for our own young. lol

i'll tell you, living vicariously through your cat's pregnancy is alot better than having your own :]

there are still more kittens to come doubtless, shes still huge ... but i just could resist shouting to the world about our newest additions!

also, i may be half dumb and crazy from the head truama. it's really not that bad, just a goose egg and a slice that bleeds. i'm a genius &hearts;

holy friggin crap

2008-07-12T16:48:36Z

i live!

it's been, what - like a month? far too long at any rate, and i'm sorry about the vanishing act! oh so sorry

during the big move *dun dun duuuun* we dropped michael's computer tower and apparently it destroyed the graphics card? i don't know exactly what the illness was other than we couldn't see the screen. so no interwebs, sadly

now we have a gorgeous new computer, so i'm back with smirking vengeance

it's been a busy and beautiful absence

we've settled in the new house, and mere words can't do it justice. it's perfect and quaint and well - it's home. all our things are in their rightful place and it's like we've always belonged here. here within walking distance of downtown, the library and museum ... amidst historic Victorian type homes and their amazing gardens

it has perhaps a billion windows, built in shelves and a storybook fireplace. there is a sunroom where we can sit and watch the world go by, a backyard where clothes go to dry and smell like sunshine and a kitchen a mile long.

leighton seems to be the most happiest about our move from the apartment, his room is bigger and allows for more toys ... and he graduated to a toddler bed from his crib. now he can clamber out and play early in the morning while i shower, instead of being confined until i'm ready to release him. needless to say - he is a happy boy

my crappy immune system followed us here however it would seem

i went to the hospital earlier this week with what i assumed to be a regular asthma attack and was told i have both huge lungs and phenomena. great

i've been slowly recovering, but even today i wake up with a shaking cough and headache. it's completely reversed any weight i've lost, but i guess there isn't much hope in working out when i can barely function lol

in the weeks to come our cat wren will deliver babies, and i am certainly more nervous than she!

if anyone could offer any advise it would be greatly appreciated! as far as i can tell from youtube videos, she gives birth to disgusting black bubbles full of kittens ... ewww?
but i'm equally excited. i have made her a little den from a sierra trading post box and some old shirts of michael's, i have a birthing kit with scissors, towels, mucus suckers, newborn formula and bottles and alcohol. i feel super proud lol

frontier days is coming up soon, which means : carnivals, parades and nightshows! oh my!

i always become ridiculously excited for the last week of july, i feel like a kid again.

and this year i am especially thrilled to be sharing it with michael - as lame as this sounds, i have always been single for frontier days. the third wheel in walks around the carnival ground, the odd one out on paired rides. but this year i have my significant everything and it should prove to be an amazing time

well, that's it from me. sorry again i've been missing out on so much, i'll be catching up! <3

seriously, someone knock me out

2008-06-09T08:13:20Z

i can't sleep

but it's no wonder - there are so many things going on right now, my brain simply won't stop salivating over and digesting it all

for one :: in just under a week we'll be moving into a house. a real live house, no more of this apartment nonsense.

it's utterly beautiful, the house itself i mean.

i would try to describe it, but any words i have just wouldn't do it justice. once settled i plan on assaulting friends and strangers alike with photos, looking forward to that greatly.

overall i am thrilled to have our own laundry room, no more waiting eight days for the neighbors to remove their unmentionables from the washer ... REJOICE!

on the downside it doesn't have a garage, i worry about the cars. i know that sounds dumb, but i do really enjoy not scraping off my windshield after snowstorms or having to put the top on the 7 ... oh well, the pros far outweigh the cons. hello?! it's a house :]

and i can garden

also of interest, i'm starting to feel (umm) attractive again?

when michael and i met, it was eating out three times a day, ice cream nearly every night. and apparently he has the metabolism of a hamster. i went from about 127 to about 162 in three months ... gross.

okay - in fairness i consider it gross because i'm only 5'2" and a little fluff does major damage

but now that i'm out in the world, playing with leigh and walking the mall i see a TEENY difference.

i'm now at 147 exactly, and i know with even a little more concentrated effort it will get better. i think the new house will help, i don't have any room to workout in the apartment and the new house is in a hot spot for walking - being a block away from the hospital and downtown businesses

the new car, the RX7, is helping with my self esteem too.

it's just a car i know, i'm not a gear head - my car is not equal to a human being.

but damn it feels nice to see heads turn. DAMN it feels nice to be the ONLY person in town with that particular car (running at least) and GODDAMN it feels good to be a female driver. there is something indescribably sexy about that :]

on an odd topic

i mystalk (stalk people on myspace) and i admit that i like to check up on people from my past and assure myself that i'm doing better than them. so many people talked down at and about me for so long, i feel great surfing their pages and affirming that i came out on top

and for some reason i checked on my ex

his update is 'Corey likes a girl!'

i have no fucking idea why this bothers me so much

i know that i don't care about him anymore ... it's pretty evident that i love michael - he makes my heart beat and helps me soar. michael's my best friend, my perfect mate and the man i want to grow old with. without him i wouldn't be where or who i am right now, both very good things. he saved my life

yet still - it tugs at me that Corey can like a girl.

perhaps it's just because for so long i wanted, needed to be that girl.

i tried a thousand different ways to be that girl that Corey wouldn't walk away from, and after months of torturing myself :: i was the one who had to walk away and fast. i invested my whole being into trying to earn his love an attention for so long before that, so i guess it still burns when someone else can do it

it's confusing

or it could be just a game, Corey could have just made that update knowing that i'd look. i'm not trying to sound full of myself but he LOVES doing that crap, even a year later. he is the master manipulator, he was the puppet master -

if this is the case ... then how do we both know what will upset the other and why do we do it?! still?!

i know sometimes my updates reflect life far from his tentacles, how incredibly blessed i am and how amazing life is with his cousin. ouch

why do i DO that? to hurt him like he hurt me i think but 'why is he even worth the effort?!'

i guess i'll end this friggin tangent by saying

i do really have an amazing existence.

i have everything i've ever wanted very suddenly. i'm in the longest relationship of my life with a gorgeous man that worships and loves me with all his heart, i am ten times better pampered than a princess.

the house, the cars, the handsome, intelligent son - they're all things i've wanted but thought i could never have, nor that i deserved them. i go to sleep at night with the most obnoxious smile

but i guess i still have my demons

and i hope it only bothers me at all because i'm stressed about the move and severely lacking in sleep

roses? no thanks. my BF bought me a car :]

2008-06-05T07:25:47Z

(i really hate not checking every day, it seems like your lives all flash before my eyes.

i feverishly dislike playing catch up mostly, i'm totally in to being IN ... the know that is :]

ugh, need to buckle down and take five minutes out of the day to LJ. i know that sounds strange, but believe me - it's calming to see that the world is revolving for everyone and that things are unfolding. it's a nice break from my own little universe)

on that note

about my universe i mean

OH MY EFFING GAWD

i admit - i cultivated my passion for cars from ex boyfriends, it was not a passion born of my own mind but rather something i struggled to learn that we might have something in common. i read until my eyes were sore and i can't tell you how many JDM affiliates were bookmarked on my computer

it didn't come naturally, but eventually i found a certain love and appreciation for things that go VROOM

the mechanical aspect is still a mental struggle for me, i would never be able to tell you how an engine works, the diagnostics on a particular make, or even how to properly adjust tire pressure

what interests me is the external beauty. how certain cars look and how they could look like so much poetry

one in particular has always embodied (to me) a gorgeous car, with flat streamline angles and a shark nose the early model mazda rx7s make me swoon

and now, after lusting for so long

i finally have one to call my own

michael paid cash for an 83 n/a (non turbo) that he'd found on craigslist to celebrate my nearly finalized divorce. it was an incredible gift and i'm still reeling with the fact that i am so overly blessed.

at least three times a day i find myself wandering out to the garage to just stare, or at least to fire it up ... and gas money permitting i take it for a jog through town. i get a natural high from just owning it, i'm the only person in town with a running first gen and the attention has the consistency of cocaine

i'm in love

in love with my precious new car. in love with the man who thought so much of me to give me my dream, even when i can't always provide him with his. in love with the fact that as a couple we're doing well enough to buy a car with cash ...

just in love with life right now :]

happy birthday devin!

2008-05-30T03:58:15Z

happy day darling !!!

thanks ever so much for having been born our beautiful clever girl, exactly twenty one years ago &hearts;

hope you're out having a great night! and remember -

hangovers can only be cured with a potent mixture of advil and another drink :]

::be safe::

... it's a twister!

2008-05-25T19:32:29Z

i'm sorry for neglecting everyone, it's been a frenzied week ... you know in between work and nearly being blown away

yes blown away

from early thursday afternoon until friday evening, northern colorado and southern wyoming went under the assault of severe thunderstorms accompanied by whirling tornado dervishes.

on thursday i was accompanying one of our cable installers as a little bresnan field-trip, and i was literally climbing a router pole to hand him wire when the alarms sounded throughout town. however my escort technician seemed unamused and we finished the task at hand, through the 60+ mile an hour winds, hail and all.

i came home to michael shaking like a leaf and ten pounds heavier with rain soaked clothes

i guess through the whole ordeal i just couldn't get over how dramatic people were about the mess. i have never seen group panic at it's peak before and it alarmed me more than the twisting weather.

it wasn't even THAT bad - yes, windsor colorado had severe devastation, but cheyenne went untouched. if i'm correct only two tornadoes touched ground, and when i say touched i meant tapped ... the briefest of contact before they dispersed.

but you wouldn't know that from the text messages coming in all evening - 'one just touched down 10 minutes from town and it's heading this way!!!'

ahhh? oh no?

i guess i just failed to be amused, even if it did slam into the ground and charge us all into poverty - there's nothing anyone can DO about it. so why get into this harmful state of terror?

poor windsor though, my thoughts are with them. we can all be ever grateful that the weather system was oh so alert and people had time to save themselves, in two days of never ending storms only one person perished. a miracle certainly!