brandylyn_kay

leighton satan - deux

2008-08-15T06:45:24Z

my everything :: my little bundle of giggles and high fives turned two last week :]

i felt very much the 'mom' as i stumbled in the door on my lunch break, stressed from picking up the necessities AND celebrating within my precious time slot. the moment i set the cake on the table and tied the bright blue balloons to his chair, the little monster clambered up and demanded confections.

so i delivered <3

as i watched him murder the cake and NOM it all down, i got those floaty motherly feelings that so often elude me.

normally i treat leighton more like a sibling than my own flesh and blood child - we roll around and play like WWE fans, we tickle fight and argue ... but on days like this i just am overcome by how blessed i am

he really is a remarkable and beautiful child

he helps to pick out his own clothes, which usually entail tiny jeans and a funny tee shirt. (the 'i still live with my parents' is a personal favorite)

he is adamant about not being ready to tackle the potty training issue just yet

he sings in the car. loudly

he loves to hold hands while walking

he would rather sleep on the floor beside his bed than actually on it ... but that's a huge graduation from the week he slept under it. (i swear to you, i thought he'd been kidnapped and my heart stopped)

his favorite game is itsy bisty spider, and in fact he can NEARLY do all the hand motions in time

he gives kisses willingly and in great numbers

and

he absolutely loves violence on TV. really, he lives for it. the moment something falls or a face is punched he literally shouts with delight

he is most wonderful

*

from my pure amazement and wonder towards him, my thought track wavered to what brought us this far

...

how life for leighton began as a full and promising belly

or how complete i felt when he finally made his debut in the world, amidst much tragedy and turmoil he was an island of velvet soft baby skin and chubby limbs

then he proved to be quite the dancer, and a very young man of many funny faces

and my god, never before has a child had more pure passionate love for bubbles

&hearts;

he is my gorgeous, sweet and smart mohawked wonder

and i can't wait for the day he grows into an equally amazing man. lord knows he's going to be something else!

loves him :]

bearing my soul

2008-08-10T07:00:51Z

i have an older son

his name is damian treat overling, and this past july he turned four years old

i have not seen him in two years, he lives with my mother karen

and

i'm okay with that

*

let's start at the beginning, shall we?

in junior high i met and maintained a purely acquaintance based friendship with a boy named matt.

we weren't even really good friends, in fact i kind of always thought him to be very strange and obnoxious ... especially since he was a grade behind me and the kind who always interrupted class in math II

then, a mutual friend of ours unfortunately committed suicide. (damin has this boy's middle name in fact)

matt was designated as a pallbearer and devastated at the loss. i could see the toil and hurt in his eyes as he stood at the front of the church and then later found him crying outside. my heart just - it seeped from my chest. i can't explain it, i had never wanted before to just take care of someone so much ... to make them happy

long story short - i found out, or at least admitted, that i was pregnant six months later

my pregnancy seemed to fly by. i was so scared, so unprepared. i had hardly even had exposure to young children outside of nieces and nephews. i saw my life ending with every trimester, i dropped out of school, got my GED and a full time job :: i was miserably resolved.

everyone around me was thrilled. matt had puppy like excitement and my mother was already planning out the child's whole life it seemed. i felt al along like a container, a mere vessel to shuttle their little dream child into the world. a child i secretly loathed

the birth of dami-butt (as i would affectionately start calling him) was ... the worst experience of my life

much like motherhood i was unprepared for the blood, pain and horror that is child birth. it wasn't the calming, nurturing experience everyone foretold ... it was a nightmare. i thought i was going to die, i've forgotten how many hours i was in labor now (a trick of the mind no doubt) but it seemed like days. and then after?

after

i felt nothing. i didn't instantly love my child.

that's the honest to god truth

i felt like a monster, i thought - 'well this is just the baby blues, it will pass'

but it never did. never ever

i continued to feel lost in the situation. i worked hard everyday, i rose before the sun to get to work as a customer service rep ... i dropped the baby off with my grandmother , i came home with dami from work and wasted my days in routine. my life flew by in a blur of neutrality

i stayed with matt because it was the right thing to do, but i didn't love him.

which is why he left.
matt left with little or no 'to do' on father's day, and i marched through it like the emotionless robot i felt like

matt delved into partying and drugs, other women and booze ... and i stayed the course. work, home, sleep, repeat

and then

i started dating

i met my husband tristan and really committed myself to keeping him around, so much so that i neglected damian.

at the time i didn't see myself doing it.
it was certainly not a conscience effort. while my heart didn't beat for damian, it wasn't that i didn't care about him ... i just lost my damn mind. for the first time in my life i was going out, feeling beautiful and wanted. it was my own personal drug. my crack, my heroin. and like most addicts my child suffered because of my priorities.
i was a terrible mother then

gone went all the hard work carrying and birthing him, and raising him up until then. i might as well have thrown him in a dumpster.

my mother took him, with help from the grandmother i nonchalantly dropped him off with, and even my friends

i always said to myself - what i needed was HELP and not to have everything stripped from me. not to have my life ruined.

but i didn't fight to have damian back. very soon after she took him i found out i was pregnant with leighton

i let damian go.

damian is in a safe and loving environment, his father joined the military and is proving to be a great role model. and while the relationship with my family is completely severed because of the pain and betrayal i feel, i know they love him better than i ever did.

*

sometimes i look at pictures of him to see ... anything.

and i really don't.
i see a little boy that looks exactly like a blond haired version of his father. i see in the pictures my mother in the role i might have had - snap shots of them having birthday cake and playing Thomas the train. and yet i still feel nothing for either subjects in the photograph

when i had leighton i actually lived and breathed for that little boy. i held him close and bonded, he's my entire joy and my best friend. i love leighton with all my heart

and while i feel like a failure for not giving damian an equal or greater devotion, i can't force it.

i think i was always a vessel for matt and my mother to have a glowing little boy. i never felt like his mother and to this day do not. i wonder if it's a trick of the mind :: to keep me detached so as not to be in constant heartbreaking pain. but i really don't know

what i do know is

i'm glad there's a little boy out there for a lot of people to love, and i'm sorry i can't be one of them.
i'm hopeful that i passed on a few good features (he has my nose) and equally that one day he grows outside of all of this mess and doesn't hate the woman who gave him life. i hope he doesn't resent his brother leighton for being loved and at home

i hope that one day i can forgive myself. i hope i can lower my pride and realize that he needed something more than i could give him and that he's happy.

i guess every mother wants happiness for her child, despite everything.

crazy betch

2008-08-03T06:19:32Z

yes ... yes ... my plan for world domination and total annihilation is nearly complete! all i need do now is cover everyone else's car that i hate with grass clippings! mwhahahaha

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

there are whispers that i'm the suspect of a totally random event - in which this girl's car was covered in grass from a recently mowed lawn.

ummm, right

not only do i not own a lawnmower, from which to cultivate the sheared tops of a lawn

but

i have absolutely better things to do with my evenings. kthanx

and on another note

if i even cared enough to even bother with this chick, i have plenty more clever means of revenge than a bag of lawn remains on her crappy car. jesus

people in this town are TINY and ridiculous. the end.

i'm only taking notice and making note of it because it is so damn funny.

no, no, no

see if i wanted to get revenge on this particular girl i'd have to

:: befriend every one of her ex boyfriends (though that might make it difficult since she's been with the same lying, cheating bastard her whole life ... and he's LESS worth befriending than a rabid pit bull)

:: gossip and speculate about her until my eyes bled from all the analytical thoughts

:: i'd have to wait until she had an irreparable relationship with her parents, like i do - and THEN talk to and hang out with them. BFFs forever!

:: let michael talk about her constantly, like her loser boyfriend did to me. i'd have to sit by and loyally say nothing while michael posted bulletins about her sexual activities and called her 'lower than dirt'. (but that wouldn't work either, michael is way better than that. much to my chagrin)

:: and i'd certainly have to speculate that random bad events in my life are directly linked to her. that tube of chapstick that i lost? she totally stole it. oh and my tipped over trash can? SO her

because after all - do unto others as they've done unto you right?

this!

this is why we aren't friends anymore!

not because of this wild mean streak in me. or because i was looking for a fight, or future means of 'green revenge' ... no. because i'm tired of the many mystifying levels of patronizing, passive aggressive gossip BULLSHIT our 'friendship' turned into!

done. SRSLY

[home]

2008-08-03T04:17:09Z

so much more than walls and windows.

it's the one place in the world where i actually belong, where my quirks and characteristics are welcomed and adored. where i can play housewife and the perfect mother.

it's the scene of so many romantic moments, and more that were simply perfect.

happy to be here :]

something creepy?

2008-07-28T18:34:19Z

on the left?

the boyfriend - nay betrothed, future husband. loves him with all my itty heart

on the right?

cousin of boyfriend. see also EX boyfriend

hmmmm.

hair ER

2008-07-27T12:44:59Z

to the powers that may or may not be ::

please, please, please don't make me cut my hair.

with all my heart i beseech you

i know due to over processing and bleach tub dives, the mess atop my head is more akin to straw than hair ... i know that i would save myself a lot of time and expensive reconstructing efforts if i just hacked off the damage and began anew ... and equally i'm aware that it wouldn't be detrimental because (hell) i look cute with short hair

but -

it took me so long to even get this far! nearly eleven months and i'm sporting five inches?! unfair!

i want so badly to be able to loop and swirl my hair into a cute updo for the wedding next year, and there is NO way if i chopped it now it would be at the length my fantasy demands!

ugh

i've got a somewhat desperate assortment of reconstruction products nearby which i plan to use all friggin day, month - year

hopefully they'll at least give me a glimmer of hope. if i can even get another inch of growth out f this mess i can snip the very ends and be right where i want to be.

please!

any emergency care for hair advise would be greatly appreciated

and yes, one day - i will doubtlessly learn to stop doing this crap to myself.

alive with the glory of updates

2008-07-26T18:52:05Z

for the first year, like ever, the week-long festivities of cheyenne frontier days proved to be - amazing

michael's family arrived on tuesday and it was a heartfelt joy to see them all reunite. within five minutes they were all huddled around the playstation and finishing each other's quips and sentences. they're great, they have the same delightfully wicked sense of humor and big doe eyes.

michael's sister stormey has been staying with us since, his brother with cousins. so we took the opportunity to celebrate and go a little bonkers with our stimulus checks :]

wednesday we all rolled out of bed early to attend the pancake breakfast, which would have been more delightful if my tastebuds were also awake at that ungodly hour.

thursday we managed the parade.

leighton was delighted at the never ending stream of horses, and thus assured me that he is in fact my blood child. michael held me close as the sights went by at a snail's pace and i was just ... happy

after the last of the floats and street sweepers passed by we walked home (bless us for getting a house within walking distance to all the fun!) and readied for the real event of the day -

the denver aquarium!

after the initial hour long adventure of being semi-lost in an unfamiliar town, we landed in an underwater wonderland. leigh squealed and delighted at absolutely everything, and we (the adults?) resolved to swim with the sharks the next time we visited

it was all so amazing and beautiful, though for an 'aquarium' it had a wide variety of animals (like Sumatran tigers and a reptile house) and most of the concentration was on the restaurant portion of the tour - we had a great time.

i hate myself for forgetting the camera at home. we have a few snapshots on the cell phones but they hardly to the glory of the place justice.

on the way home we swung byt the centerra shops for some extravagant shopping, and so that leigh might frolic in the ground water display.

it was, in one word - adorable

in a series on twelve valves, water would spurt up from the ground in a sort of mini fountain - and apparently kids were allowed to get soaked :: for when we sauntered up there was already a heard of small people in various states of undress playing around in the sprays and puddles

leigh joined them without pause

and so we watched from the grassy knoll nearby, michael and i every bit the proud parents. and when a sopping wet little boy was too tired to hardly stand, we took him home and ended our perfect day

THEN (lol)

last night, stormey was kind enough to watch leigh while michael and i made the carnival our date night.

it was so romantic, walking hand in hand through the bright lights. he looks especially lovely upside down on the ring of fire :] where he gave me a quick kiss and the twelve year olds behind us serenaded us with 'k-i-s-s-i-n-g' in good fun. even when the rain came we danced under the pitter patter and hopped in puddles together like kids

i've never been happier

polyvore!

2008-07-26T17:38:49Z

my friend ashely totally turned me onto this site, i loves it and i'm getting better all the time!

this would be a regular outfit if i were, say, filthy stinking rich and weighed about one mary-kate olsen :]

NAMI walk

2008-07-26T16:41:52Z

much to my dismay, i don't really have the ability to help much ... being thousands of miles away and everything ... but we all can do our part to help those with mental illnesses by spreading the word.

even if you, yourself, don't suffer from any mental disorder i'm sure you know someone who does. so if you live anywhere near cleveland, or if there is an organized walk for the cause in your area ... do your part! you'll feel all the better for it <3

thanks to annie for soildering the cause!

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Filthy Flamingo
Date: Jul 26, 2008 12:36 AM

So, I have caught the overachiever bug again. Today I volunteered to be the Co-captain of the Greater-Cleveland NAMIWalks team. For those of you not in the know NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) is a non-profit organization that provides help for people living with a mental illness such as bi-polar and depression. The Surgeon General reports that 22.1 percent of people ages 18 and older suffer from mental illness in a given year. This means you or someone you know could be living with a mental illness. Each year NAMI of Greater Cleveland holds a fundraising walk in order to raise money for their organization. The walk this year will be held on September Sixth, 2008 at Voinovich Park, which is located near the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The Walks starts at 10:00 am and will take place rain or shine. The total walking distance is 2.5 miles but walkers may walk shorter distances, which I am thankful for. I will most likely be handing out water and such as well.

All walkers must register for the walk. There is no registration fee. Feel free to bring the entire family because there will be refreshments as well as music and other fun.
If you wish to become a walker or want to donate to a wonderful cause please contact me on here or email me at againes126@yahoo.com for details or you can copy and paste

http://www. nami. org/walkTemplate. cfm?section=namiwalks&Template=/customsource/namiwalks/walkerpage. cfm&walkerID=62376 in your browser to donate

Or

http://www. nami. org/walkTemplate. cfm?section=namiwalks&Template=/customsource/namiwalks/teampage. cfm&teamID=11479 in your browser to become a walker.

the old ball and chain

2008-07-20T17:07:55Z

i've decided that if i had the self control and determination - that i would go all anorexic (ala pre baby nicole ritchie)

i know a statement like that just screams for help and expensive therapy sessions, but really i am so so tired of the way i look currently. yeah sure i know, i'm only like twenty five pounds overweight for my body type and height ... blah blah blah

facts and reason mean nothing when you're standing next to a gorgeous boyfriend who weighs like, air. or when i know that in a mere month i'm supposed to go down and meet his friends and family back home

i mean

michael comes from park city utah. this is like, upper class people! forgive me for sounding like a wyoming native.

park city is where the rich and beautiful go to play in the snow and watch crappy indie flicks during sundance. and i'm going to look so out of place ... the very idea is horrifying. especially meeting all of michael's high school and college friends, who look like extras on the set of one tree hill.

... his ex girlfriend, who he is still great friends with - looks like a fuller lipped rachel bilson clone. so unfair

and yeah i know that i have the personality to keep him and make him happy, i'm a pretty cool female.
but i think i'd be that much cooler and more confident if i weighed about 120

seriously i have everything in the world to make me happy. i have aforementioned mr. perfect by my side to love and adore me. i have a brilliant little boy, a house, two cars, rolling balls of kitten fluff and foster dogs ...

and yet

i have these crazy dominating thoughts like 'i wish i could be locked in a room with no food for a few weeks'
ummm, hello insanity? thy name is brandylyn

i just want my outward appearance to match everything else, my blessings and personality traits

boo hissssss

kitties and a concussion

2008-07-13T15:28:10Z

around seven this morning i was awoken by Wren, our very pregnant half Siamese, rubbing fiercely against my cheek and holwing miserably.

needless to say, it was on.

so i scrambled out from under the covers and escourted her to her box, full of comfy blankets and towels in prime real estate beneath the window. all was going well, wren was cuddled against me while her stomach heaved.

then leigh woke up

with michael at work i didn't have any help, and i needed to get my little mohawked boy breakfast ... so i rose to do so and WHAM

right into the open window frame, forehead first

sweet right?

so as of this report we have : three kittens AND a split skull.

the kittens are wonderful little mewing messes. first was a backwards boy, nearly black at first and now fading to brown tabby. then another boy birthed properly, the same color as the one before. then just after came a little girl, also tabby in color but with a tiny white face and feet.

the first we christened Hayden, the second Taylor and the girl Genoa - likely they won't stick because we ended to give them to families later on, but for now we are excersising our parental motives and giving them all names we would have liked for our own young. lol

i'll tell you, living vicariously through your cat's pregnancy is alot better than having your own :]

there are still more kittens to come doubtless, shes still huge ... but i just could resist shouting to the world about our newest additions!

also, i may be half dumb and crazy from the head truama. it's really not that bad, just a goose egg and a slice that bleeds. i'm a genius &hearts;

holy friggin crap

2008-07-12T16:48:36Z

i live!

it's been, what - like a month? far too long at any rate, and i'm sorry about the vanishing act! oh so sorry

during the big move *dun dun duuuun* we dropped michael's computer tower and apparently it destroyed the graphics card? i don't know exactly what the illness was other than we couldn't see the screen. so no interwebs, sadly

now we have a gorgeous new computer, so i'm back with smirking vengeance

it's been a busy and beautiful absence

we've settled in the new house, and mere words can't do it justice. it's perfect and quaint and well - it's home. all our things are in their rightful place and it's like we've always belonged here. here within walking distance of downtown, the library and museum ... amidst historic Victorian type homes and their amazing gardens

it has perhaps a billion windows, built in shelves and a storybook fireplace. there is a sunroom where we can sit and watch the world go by, a backyard where clothes go to dry and smell like sunshine and a kitchen a mile long.

leighton seems to be the most happiest about our move from the apartment, his room is bigger and allows for more toys ... and he graduated to a toddler bed from his crib. now he can clamber out and play early in the morning while i shower, instead of being confined until i'm ready to release him. needless to say - he is a happy boy

my crappy immune system followed us here however it would seem

i went to the hospital earlier this week with what i assumed to be a regular asthma attack and was told i have both huge lungs and phenomena. great

i've been slowly recovering, but even today i wake up with a shaking cough and headache. it's completely reversed any weight i've lost, but i guess there isn't much hope in working out when i can barely function lol

in the weeks to come our cat wren will deliver babies, and i am certainly more nervous than she!

if anyone could offer any advise it would be greatly appreciated! as far as i can tell from youtube videos, she gives birth to disgusting black bubbles full of kittens ... ewww?
but i'm equally excited. i have made her a little den from a sierra trading post box and some old shirts of michael's, i have a birthing kit with scissors, towels, mucus suckers, newborn formula and bottles and alcohol. i feel super proud lol

frontier days is coming up soon, which means : carnivals, parades and nightshows! oh my!

i always become ridiculously excited for the last week of july, i feel like a kid again.

and this year i am especially thrilled to be sharing it with michael - as lame as this sounds, i have always been single for frontier days. the third wheel in walks around the carnival ground, the odd one out on paired rides. but this year i have my significant everything and it should prove to be an amazing time

well, that's it from me. sorry again i've been missing out on so much, i'll be catching up! <3

seriously, someone knock me out

2008-06-09T08:13:20Z

i can't sleep

but it's no wonder - there are so many things going on right now, my brain simply won't stop salivating over and digesting it all

for one :: in just under a week we'll be moving into a house. a real live house, no more of this apartment nonsense.

it's utterly beautiful, the house itself i mean.

i would try to describe it, but any words i have just wouldn't do it justice. once settled i plan on assaulting friends and strangers alike with photos, looking forward to that greatly.

overall i am thrilled to have our own laundry room, no more waiting eight days for the neighbors to remove their unmentionables from the washer ... REJOICE!

on the downside it doesn't have a garage, i worry about the cars. i know that sounds dumb, but i do really enjoy not scraping off my windshield after snowstorms or having to put the top on the 7 ... oh well, the pros far outweigh the cons. hello?! it's a house :]

and i can garden

also of interest, i'm starting to feel (umm) attractive again?

when michael and i met, it was eating out three times a day, ice cream nearly every night. and apparently he has the metabolism of a hamster. i went from about 127 to about 162 in three months ... gross.

okay - in fairness i consider it gross because i'm only 5'2" and a little fluff does major damage

but now that i'm out in the world, playing with leigh and walking the mall i see a TEENY difference.

i'm now at 147 exactly, and i know with even a little more concentrated effort it will get better. i think the new house will help, i don't have any room to workout in the apartment and the new house is in a hot spot for walking - being a block away from the hospital and downtown businesses

the new car, the RX7, is helping with my self esteem too.

it's just a car i know, i'm not a gear head - my car is not equal to a human being.

but damn it feels nice to see heads turn. DAMN it feels nice to be the ONLY person in town with that particular car (running at least) and GODDAMN it feels good to be a female driver. there is something indescribably sexy about that :]

on an odd topic

i mystalk (stalk people on myspace) and i admit that i like to check up on people from my past and assure myself that i'm doing better than them. so many people talked down at and about me for so long, i feel great surfing their pages and affirming that i came out on top

and for some reason i checked on my ex

his update is 'Corey likes a girl!'

i have no fucking idea why this bothers me so much

i know that i don't care about him anymore ... it's pretty evident that i love michael - he makes my heart beat and helps me soar. michael's my best friend, my perfect mate and the man i want to grow old with. without him i wouldn't be where or who i am right now, both very good things. he saved my life

yet still - it tugs at me that Corey can like a girl.

perhaps it's just because for so long i wanted, needed to be that girl.

i tried a thousand different ways to be that girl that Corey wouldn't walk away from, and after months of torturing myself :: i was the one who had to walk away and fast. i invested my whole being into trying to earn his love an attention for so long before that, so i guess it still burns when someone else can do it

it's confusing

or it could be just a game, Corey could have just made that update knowing that i'd look. i'm not trying to sound full of myself but he LOVES doing that crap, even a year later. he is the master manipulator, he was the puppet master -

if this is the case ... then how do we both know what will upset the other and why do we do it?! still?!

i know sometimes my updates reflect life far from his tentacles, how incredibly blessed i am and how amazing life is with his cousin. ouch

why do i DO that? to hurt him like he hurt me i think but 'why is he even worth the effort?!'

i guess i'll end this friggin tangent by saying

i do really have an amazing existence.

i have everything i've ever wanted very suddenly. i'm in the longest relationship of my life with a gorgeous man that worships and loves me with all his heart, i am ten times better pampered than a princess.

the house, the cars, the handsome, intelligent son - they're all things i've wanted but thought i could never have, nor that i deserved them. i go to sleep at night with the most obnoxious smile

but i guess i still have my demons

and i hope it only bothers me at all because i'm stressed about the move and severely lacking in sleep

roses? no thanks. my BF bought me a car :]

2008-06-05T07:25:47Z

(i really hate not checking every day, it seems like your lives all flash before my eyes.

i feverishly dislike playing catch up mostly, i'm totally in to being IN ... the know that is :]

ugh, need to buckle down and take five minutes out of the day to LJ. i know that sounds strange, but believe me - it's calming to see that the world is revolving for everyone and that things are unfolding. it's a nice break from my own little universe)

on that note

about my universe i mean

OH MY EFFING GAWD

i admit - i cultivated my passion for cars from ex boyfriends, it was not a passion born of my own mind but rather something i struggled to learn that we might have something in common. i read until my eyes were sore and i can't tell you how many JDM affiliates were bookmarked on my computer

it didn't come naturally, but eventually i found a certain love and appreciation for things that go VROOM

the mechanical aspect is still a mental struggle for me, i would never be able to tell you how an engine works, the diagnostics on a particular make, or even how to properly adjust tire pressure

what interests me is the external beauty. how certain cars look and how they could look like so much poetry

one in particular has always embodied (to me) a gorgeous car, with flat streamline angles and a shark nose the early model mazda rx7s make me swoon

and now, after lusting for so long

i finally have one to call my own

michael paid cash for an 83 n/a (non turbo) that he'd found on craigslist to celebrate my nearly finalized divorce. it was an incredible gift and i'm still reeling with the fact that i am so overly blessed.

at least three times a day i find myself wandering out to the garage to just stare, or at least to fire it up ... and gas money permitting i take it for a jog through town. i get a natural high from just owning it, i'm the only person in town with a running first gen and the attention has the consistency of cocaine

i'm in love

in love with my precious new car. in love with the man who thought so much of me to give me my dream, even when i can't always provide him with his. in love with the fact that as a couple we're doing well enough to buy a car with cash ...

just in love with life right now :]

happy birthday devin!

2008-05-30T03:58:15Z

happy day darling !!!

thanks ever so much for having been born our beautiful clever girl, exactly twenty one years ago &hearts;

hope you're out having a great night! and remember -

hangovers can only be cured with a potent mixture of advil and another drink :]

::be safe::

... it's a twister!

2008-05-25T19:32:29Z

i'm sorry for neglecting everyone, it's been a frenzied week ... you know in between work and nearly being blown away

yes blown away

from early thursday afternoon until friday evening, northern colorado and southern wyoming went under the assault of severe thunderstorms accompanied by whirling tornado dervishes.

on thursday i was accompanying one of our cable installers as a little bresnan field-trip, and i was literally climbing a router pole to hand him wire when the alarms sounded throughout town. however my escort technician seemed unamused and we finished the task at hand, through the 60+ mile an hour winds, hail and all.

i came home to michael shaking like a leaf and ten pounds heavier with rain soaked clothes

i guess through the whole ordeal i just couldn't get over how dramatic people were about the mess. i have never seen group panic at it's peak before and it alarmed me more than the twisting weather.

it wasn't even THAT bad - yes, windsor colorado had severe devastation, but cheyenne went untouched. if i'm correct only two tornadoes touched ground, and when i say touched i meant tapped ... the briefest of contact before they dispersed.

but you wouldn't know that from the text messages coming in all evening - 'one just touched down 10 minutes from town and it's heading this way!!!'

ahhh? oh no?

i guess i just failed to be amused, even if it did slam into the ground and charge us all into poverty - there's nothing anyone can DO about it. so why get into this harmful state of terror?

poor windsor though, my thoughts are with them. we can all be ever grateful that the weather system was oh so alert and people had time to save themselves, in two days of never ending storms only one person perished. a miracle certainly!

family imperfections

2008-05-17T17:51:53Z

i don't mention my family much, my natural family i mean :: outside of the little bubble of perfection that michael, leigh and i create.

it's because

well

they're terrible people

wait

i take that back. i am proof positive that there is good in every living person, and i know them all to have their admirable qualities. they just aren't huge fans of me

and who could blame them? all my family has ever known of me is a troubled girl who lies constantly, who is forever homeless because of apartment evictions, who is a heartbreaker and fundamentally a jobless loser.

i was a mess for nearly all of my twenty two years

my dad and i have never had a really close relationship, i think i remind him of my mother in looks and behavior and that must be terrifying. he has always kept me at a distance, emotionally and physically ... i can't remember the last time i even hugged my dad, even though he is constantly giving them to my siblings and the public at large.

he is the far less dominate personality in his marriage of seventeen + years, and his significant my step mother tammy? she HATES me. strong word i know, but it's entirely true. she hates me because i'm my mother's daughter, because i took precious resources like money from my dad, because i am me - because i breathe.
now i know i'm playing into the wicked stepmother business here, but i assure you towards me at least it's true

i don't know where my little brother and i went wrong

we once were best friends, the closest allies. when our mom would leave us alone for days at a time with no food, when we were shuttled between endless houses on their military endeavors, when we realized our step siblings were more important than we were ... it was us against the world always.

and then - after his accident, we were strangers.

he took out alot of his aggression on me after he became paralyzed. i happen to be everyone's emotional punching bag and my brother Jay took full forced swings. suddenly i became a whore for have given birth to my son, for my ill fated marriage, for my dating sprees and my own demons .. i was condemned in his eyes. cast out.

no longer the big sister but a big mistake

when i first loved michael, we shut ourselves away from the world. we found our own happiness and created a far better family full of laughter and love

with michael i blossomed into this creature that i liked, and i assume everyone else would to given the chance

but they will never see that, to them i will always be that screw up. were i to argue otherwise i would still be a liar.

this all is coming to a head because we ran into them at dinner last night

michael, leighton and i were navigating our way through bowls piled high with Mongolian Grill goodness - content and blissful as ever in our little booth, when over michael's shoulder i saw the familiar skull of 80s envious hair my stepmother tammy rocks.

ugh

then my dad joined her near the entrance pushing my brother's wheelchair, they all took the time to point at michael and i and whisper. the glares they shot us burned ... oh and lucky me the waitress sat them but two seats away. my dad nodded curtly and muttered a hello, jay and tammy had shit eating grins but refused to look our way as they stalked past.

it was just embarrassing

it's how people act (i imagine) when you don't like someone in high school

and i was reminded why i don't miss my family, why i don't feel a loss at purposefully striking them from my life. it's a shame too that i feel that way, i would have thought my brother's life threatening accident would have made us all realize the importance of people ... but apparently i was the only one who ever had those thoughts

and then, after my stomach had churned a bit and we made our hasty exit from the restaurant ... i stood aside and watched michael place leigh into his car seat and i just warmed

'i don't miss them because this is my family now' i thought happily &hearts;

ORESUM!

2008-05-14T00:41:10Z

that translates 'awesome' to you non fabulous types

once free of training this evening, i jumped on the internets and started calling around for apartments / houses

we've come to the conclusion that we are paying WAYYYYY too much money for where we currently reside, for numerous reasons which i will now list

- it's tiny. seriously the living room barely fits the furniture we already have, let alone the new things we'd like to purchase like a larger cage for riley snake and another place for guests to sit their bums

- our laundry sucks. we share the two machines with three other apartments and their tennants and it's impossible to finish a load. either they remove your still damp clothes from the dryer to dry their own OR they take recently washed clothes out and set them on top of the dryer ... yes on top, as in not inside to dry. as in to sit there and become cold and modly smelling
OH and it's outside, across the backyard, the laundry room i mean. boo

- we can't really have pets, which makes having wren kitty a distinct problem

- our neighbors and thier incredible bass surround sound systems suck.

end of discussion

plus we make (excuse my saying) a shit load of money

we can afford alot better than this with our joint incomes, even seperately we can get better than this pit. so with michael's upcoming bonus check we're going to jump ship

it sucks that i'm moving again, it feels like i always am on th move or between places - but it's totally nessicary and something that will just make us all the more merry :]

so begins the search for a new home, something incredible is bound to be out there &hearts;

my list of requirements are

- that it has a garage

- that it's under $8oo

- that it has laundry facilities

- and that we can at least pay a deposit to keep wren kitty, she's not a pet ... she's a member of our perfect family and it wouldn't BE perfect without her

wish me luck &hearts;

happy birthday knitting_reader :]

2008-05-13T12:10:53Z

@the denver zoo!

2008-05-11T20:20:07Z

with a backpack full of sunblock lotion and cheezit snacks, a full tank of gas and our stunna shades on ... we made the journey south to the denver zoo and all it's wonders

michael dutifully played the role of photographer with our newly purchased digital cam, even documenting our way out of town by snapping shots of the construction along i-25. and after learning that we could store five hundred photos, who would dare stop us?

once in sight you could see the child like amusement pass over both our faces, for certain we were more pleased than leigh - who sat quietly in his car seat and munched away unaware of the day ahead of him. we parked in this total underground layer reserved for zebras (the parking garage mascot) and people foolish enough to arrive after nine :]

and so we walked up and out of the garage towards the entrance, and i personally was dazzled - by the sunshine (it happened to be an unseasonal 72 degrees) by the people and just the overall atmosphere. i genuinely felt like a child. colors!

so in five hours of alternately pushing leigh in his stroller and sometimes taking him out to hold both our index fingers and prance along beside us, we saw it ALL

all in all it was a most perfect day spent with the world's most beautiful boys

and leigh behaved the whole day, so celebratory dance there. we didn't intend to stay so long (10:30 til about 4) but he stayed the course and kept his manners. proof positive that he's growing up and i need not always fear his firecracker attitude in public

we were constantly complimented on what a sweet little family we are and it made my heart swell - that i was blessed enough to yes indeed have the perfect family and enjoy such a rare experience with them.

when we'd had our fill of the crowds and zoo smell we plodded back towards our zebra parking garage, with leigh's stroller newly weighted down with kettle corn and iccee drinks. heavy legs crawled back into the jetta and navigated home - only becoming lost once when mysteriously we ended up on interstate 70 instead of i-25 ... eventually though all was righted and we came home

exhausted but completely happy <3

ghosts make me cry

2008-05-08T02:35:06Z

... seriously i feel uber retarded

you see i have a distinct and embarrassing habit of crying whenever i'm frightened.

i can't really explain the phenomenon - it's not like i "weep", there are no gurgles or whimpers to be heard. my eyes just sort of 'leak' when i am genuinely frightened, be it by someone jumping out and shouting OOGABOOGA or otherwise. terror = tears

i'm never even really usually saddened by what has scared me, i just feel that familiar tingle of hairs rising on the back of my neck and the tears drip down over high cherub cheeks and forever smear my makeup.

well

tonight i'm sitting by candlelight watching 'children of the grave' about orphan ghosts.

they have full video camera surveillance much like the ghost hunters program (another guilty pleasure of mine) and audio recording equipment throughout this old orphanarium - you know, the perfect site for all things creepy. it's broken down and positively menacing in it's state of neglect

the audio recordings are the ones that get me. the seemingly normal static that lingers until a metallic group of growl sounds breaks the wav. bar. and of course the shows producers take that raspy sound and add quotations across the screen like 'come play with me'

... i shiver and the tears are going wild. the front of the tee shirt i borrowed from michael is soaked with rouge tears

it's simple enough to just change the channel, but i never do. i sit here, hug my knees to my chest and watch with eyes wide open, blinking away built up tears to even see better the horror that awaits me

there have been times when i haven't cried, and i'd say nearly 99.9% of the time it's been because there was no ghost activity ... imagined or otherwise. like the time i watched ghost hunters on the queen mary ship .. not a drop came from my hazel eyes.

curious

eventually i found out it was because the paranormal activities they were experiencing were because visitors on the ship were sabotaging the surveillance and audio recordings

i wonder if i'm some kind of 'ghost detector'

my dad's mom, who is WAYYYY WAAAAY out there in her mind has always thought that about me. since i was a baby and was caught staring off into corners and babbling in infant-speak to no one in particular

i know it sound silly, i'm not really into this stuff. really i swear i'm much more down to earth than all that mumbo jumbo

but i do know that i've walked into certain buildings in downtown cheyenne that are supposedly haunted and burst into silent tears. even without knowing the building had a reputation.

the first time i stepped into my aunt terry's new house in loveland i cried, i cried a billion tears while she joyfully showed off the spacious rooms. months or even years later when she came to visit she would retell of objects falling mysteriously off the level fireplace mantle or pictures titling on their hanging nails ... creepy stuff.

isn't it funny the quirks some people have?

brandylyn - spirit detector at large

i think i could make a decent living going into houses and waiting for my magic to start up. ie 'it seems you have ghosts by my salty eye bleed ... can haz money for diagnosis now plz.'

*

on another note, the only reason i'm watching this terrible show is because michael is in foco (fort collins, colorado) with his cousin watching a 'greeley estates' show (who purevolume.com research shows me to be annoying screamo nonsense)

for the first time in six months we're spending most of the night apart from each other, and across state lines even! ::gasp::

but i'm incredibly happy that he's out having fun with his cousins, and i can't wait to hear stories when he comes home to me

thank goodness he comes home to me <3

everything happens for a reason - i know

2008-05-06T05:44:43Z

and under the worst of circumstances, in the blink of an eye :: i have my best friend back

though i have been impossibly happy these past seven months with michael, there has been something missing.

when we met and i realized my love for him, i made the choice to forsake the rest of the world. there were just too many people wishing michael and i evil, too many whispers and mounds of mountains of mystical bullshit.
i wanted so badly to focus on loving michael we drew away from everything :: we only really ventured outside the apartment to grocery shop and take 'our' boy leighton to the park ect.

unfortunatly one person who didn't really wish us ill will was my best friend ashley.

ashley has been my other half for more years than i rightly deserve. she is my keeper of secrets, my echoing laughter for endless inside jokes and my greatest motivator.
her guidance has lead me kicking and screaming through breakups when all i wanted to do was wallow in my self made misery. she held my hand and whispered encouragement through the birth of leighton and she has the unnatural ability to show up like a light breeze whenever the situation demanded.

truth be told i have not always been such a kind friend. i will not linger on the details, but there were times i did her a great deal of harm, however unintentional, and there were even times i did not apologize nor make up for my mistakes.

we have the classic girl friendship, we fall in and out of love - we bicker, we have expectations of one another, we judge and we gossip.

but at the core of what is us, we love each other

letting go of her was hard, and it wasn't even really necessary - i regret it now but really i just retreated from everyone, as lame as this sounds it wasn't personal towards her ... it took that time of solitude for michael and i to completely immerse ourselves in our relationship and fear nothing about or around us finally.

so now that we're back in the world, i've found a whole new side to myself.

and i really can't help but saying that i like what his love has molded me into

when i felt needed i was there, ready for whatever she might be going through :: i had no idea how bad it really was, but it mattered little. i was ready to be a good front line soldier in her emotional war, for the first time ever. i'm there for her now like i should have always been

and i'm just, proud at how complete i feel very suddenly

and in my heart i'm beaming, not because of doing whats right ... that should come naturally and with no praise because you care about someone. when i mean is i'm beaming because (though the circumstances that brought us together are the very worst) i have my friend back

i have missed her and i don't believe i'll be failing her again, so i'm looking forward to the days ahead with my little family and my best friend. i'm going to be the reliable and selfless person they all need

i guess somewhere along the line i just grew up and began to realize whats important in life

i'm never going to open myself and my relationship with michael again to the populous at large, we have the perfect life and i wouldn't contaminate that with cheyenne's drama mixing pot of losers. but ashley isn't "people", she's family too ... i wish i would have realized that months ago

but now

thundercats are goooooo :]

and it's perfect, it's like we never missed a day

thanks again to whatever fate keeps treating me so nicely with all these wonderful events

*

on a side note - the weather is FINALLY becoming plesant enough to venture outside without risking frostbite

so leighton and i celebrated by styling his mohawk and walking to the park :]

this would be him running away from the neighbor's hooptie, wearing a shirt that says 'mr. grumpy' and looking anything but <3

and this? this would be my little wierdo doing some sort of worship / wizzardry to a bic lighter he insisted on carrying the entire time

loves him something fierce :]

i'm so lucky to be me

2008-05-03T18:02:29Z

i woke up this morning to sweet little kisses on my nose, long fingers raking my hair against the pillow sham and a tender note in his goodbye voice.

i love him dearly, and waking up like that every morning makes me a much braver, happier and thankful person.

i have never felt so settled in my skin, just happy to be me - whatever that means

still sometimes i have my crazy moments :: where i pace the house at ungodly o'clock because my anxiety is constricting all hopes of breathing, i still cry because i see an old woman alone in the mall and remember what it's like to be really really alone, i still worry that someday i won't do something right

but then, he holds me close and i just calm

even if i am always wrong, even through my psychotic moments he loves me. for better or for worse.

i don't have to study endless books on his interests to keep a conversation with him, i don't have to always agree with him and sometimes it's enough to just be quiet and enjoy each other's nearness with no talking to suit either opinion.

i'm a very lucky girl, i know. i have a beautiful boy who adores me - i come home to love notes and scavenger hunts, a path of votive candles leading to a wonderful bed, hershey kisses all over. he thinks i'm beautiful and smart and yes (blush) even sexy. he loves my son like his own and trusts me

on that note

with michael's full support and cheerleading i quit my goddamn miserable job on friday

oh god bless

i think i surely would have snapped if i tried to stay. don't get me wrong, i maintain and cultivate my love for the store and the beautiful things within ... but the people operating and overseeing just weren't worth a few sticks of pretty furniture and glass vases.
i was handed my check and i just said simply this will be the last check i'll be needing

no harsh words, no hurt feelings. i was just done.

two hours later i was hired by two other companies

one is a floral shop, and they wanted me to start tuesday. i think it will be a relaxing and fun environment, surrounded by the beauty of nature in flower and shrubbery form.
it doesn't pay half enough and there are no benefits though :[

so i'm going to keep it until i start classes with the cable company, which pays eleven dollars an hour for my entry level position and full health benefits

that means

- i can file for divorce from tristan, finally. i VOW i will not see three years married to this awful man (which will be in august, so easy enough to divorce him and avoid that miserable anniversary)
i have been holding off on this process to keep my insurance, but with this job he will again be useless to me

- with that kind of pay and michael's joint income, we can take the world

- and also, in time (about another year) we can make our own REAL engagement, save for a wedding and honeymoon and a home

i began my relationship with michael a mess, a broken toy if you will, a woman scorned by all with nothing to provide or offer ...

everyone's trash became one man's treasure

and under his loving care i'm growing and beginning to sparkle as such

so to all of you who threw me away :: dismissed me as crazy, bipolar, a liar and a user

you were wrong. i just needed michael all along to reach my brandylyn potential

(thank you again for loving me angel)

joy :]

2008-04-30T18:59:23Z

so we're going to take the day to shop for new furniture, and i couldn't be more excited.

allow me to explain

it's not that i require nice new things - it's that every last stick of belongings in the apartment thus far has a history, that i wish to erase. you can't move on without first being determind to leave it all behind ... and persoanlly i am ready to litterally leave it all in the trash

or set it ablaze and dance around it in pagen worship

for instance

michael is sitting quietly behind me watching the television, which coincidentally is sitting atop an entertainment center his cousin corey brought into my life when corey and i dated almost a year + ago
it's cheap, plastic board bought from walmart or similar and assembled with many stripped screws and holes

also there is the computer desk on which i type now, a present from corey also

it's not that i sit and ponder over thier bad memories, but i believe they do cause a slight dispare in the brightly lit life mcihael and i have created.

it's high time we started building the foundation for our forever, buying the jetta was step one - i'll never forget how delighted i was to sign my name next to his on the contract. but now we need to develop our love shack lol

no more cheap playwood furniture! hooray!

we're thinking something like this ::

yummy yes? keeping in mind we're not expecting to buy a house for a few more years, we need space saver stuff ... LOTS of pockets and nooks to make things function in the apartment

in other news, sent off my new penpal annie's letter. i was really excited to take on such an activity
... i just need to find more to say and include her in

i am thinking about mailing a blank disposable camera and having her take some pictures of her town, not anything personal like family of course, that seems creepy and unsafe of me to ask ... but to see another city from someone else's POV i think would be fabulous <3

take care :]

ding ding, round two!

2008-04-27T04:32:57Z

work ... is slowly killing me

i hate being the only full time person, it's not that i despise the responsibility or the hours ... what does get to me is the fact that people like loraine and holly (cute but naive little high schooler) can work for three hours, mess some or a million things up and leave me to deal with righting it all and carman's wrath

thursday morning i awoke to find i had no voice, so michael called in for me. i know he did because i could hear the answering service message on the other end (as he was lying next to me) and when i came in friday feeling refreshed ... i was ripped apart because i 'didn't call in'

ugh, it's games. i defended michael of course, saying that i was aware he phoned in on my behalf ... and she flat called him a liar

that doesn't fly with me
so the rest of friday and all of today carman and i have been giving each other the evil eye and alternately avoiding each other

it must be nice to get paid to be a fantasical bitch :]

not to mention on friday when i did get back i was in trouble for the till being wrong on thursday, umm gee - the day i wasn't there. make sense? noooooo

on a side note i haven't been going to the gym in the AM anymore, it just wears me out and seriously i am not seeing any results. it's so frustrating, i am not huge ... but 140 on a five foot two frame really adds up. i just seem to be adding muscle ::furious::

michael and i were seconds away from signing the papers on this beauty ...

but we took a second to stop and breathe

thank god we did. not that we couldn't afford the payments, because frankly we make about six grand a month between the two of us (not bad for this area) but i just don't know if that's something we want to deal with now ... and at 700 dollar monthly payments - the rest of our natural lives

i want it. i want it really really bad, i nearly gasamed all over the seat during the test drive

but really - we just bought the jetta like three months ago, and it's a really cute reliable car. it's only five years old and a good family mobile so we're going to stick with it and instead concentrate on getting another car (an rx7 hopefully, it's my dream car) or a motorcycle for our second mode of transportation.

... of course i have reserves on the crotch rocket (bike) because there is NO WAY my size nine ass is going to sit on that itty bitty bike and look as hot as i want to

nope

:D