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true that

seriously, someone knock me out

Posted on 2008.06.09 at 02:08
Current Mood: contemplative

i can't sleep
 
but it's no wonder - there are so many things going on right now, my brain simply won't stop salivating over and digesting it all
 
for one :: in just under a week we'll be moving into a house. a real live house, no more of this apartment nonsense.
 
it's utterly beautiful, the house itself i mean.
 
i would try to describe it, but any words i have just wouldn't do it justice. once settled i plan on assaulting friends and strangers alike with photos, looking forward to that greatly.
 
overall i am thrilled to have our own laundry room, no more waiting eight days for the neighbors to remove their unmentionables from the washer ... REJOICE!
 
on the downside it doesn't have a garage, i worry about the cars. i know that sounds dumb, but i do really enjoy not scraping off my windshield after snowstorms or having to put the top on the 7 ... oh well, the pros far outweigh the cons. hello?! it's a house :]
 
and i can garden
 
also of interest, i'm starting to feel (umm) attractive again?
 
when michael and i met, it was eating out three times a day, ice cream nearly every night. and apparently he has the metabolism of a hamster. i went from about 127 to about 162 in three months ... gross.

okay - in fairness i consider it gross because i'm only 5'2" and a little fluff does major damage
 
but now that i'm out in the world, playing with leigh and walking the mall i see a TEENY difference. 

i'm now at 147 exactly, and i know with even a little more concentrated effort it will get better. i think the new house will help, i don't have any room to workout in the apartment and the new house is in a hot spot for walking - being a block away from the hospital and downtown businesses
 
the new car, the RX7, is helping with my self esteem too.
 
it's just a car i know, i'm not a gear head - my car is not equal to a human being. 

but damn it feels nice to see heads turn. DAMN it feels nice to be the ONLY person in town with that particular car (running at least) and GODDAMN it feels good to be a female driver. there is something indescribably sexy about that :]
 
on an odd topic
 
i mystalk (stalk people on myspace) and i admit that i like to check up on people from my past and assure myself that i'm doing better than them. so many people talked down at and about me for so long, i feel great surfing their pages and affirming that i came out on top
 
and for some reason i checked on my ex
 
his update is 'Corey likes a girl!'
 
i have no fucking idea why this bothers me so much
 
i know that i don't care about him anymore ... it's pretty evident that i love michael - he makes my heart beat and helps me soar. michael's my best friend, my perfect mate and the man i want to grow old with. without him i wouldn't be where or who i am right now, both very good things. he saved my life
 
yet still - it tugs at me that Corey can like a girl.
 
perhaps it's just because for so long i wanted, needed to be that girl. 

i tried a thousand different ways to be that girl that Corey wouldn't walk away from, and after months of torturing myself ::  i was the one who had to walk away and fast. i invested my whole being into trying to earn his love an attention for so long before that, so i guess it still burns when someone else can do it
 
it's confusing
 
or it could be just a game, Corey could have just made that update knowing that i'd look. i'm not trying to sound full of myself but he LOVES doing that crap, even a year later. he is the master manipulator, he was the puppet master -
 
if this is the case ...  then how do we both know what will upset the other and why do we do it?! still?!
 
i know sometimes my updates reflect life far from his tentacles, how incredibly blessed i am and how amazing life is with his cousin. ouch
 
why do i DO that? to hurt him like he hurt me i think but 'why is he even worth the effort?!'
 
i guess i'll end this friggin tangent by saying
 
i do really have an amazing existence. 

i have everything i've ever wanted very suddenly. i'm in the longest relationship of my life with a gorgeous man that worships and loves me with all his heart, i am ten times better pampered than a princess.
the house, the cars, the handsome, intelligent son - they're all things i've wanted but thought i could never have, nor that i deserved them. i go to sleep at night with the most obnoxious smile
 
but i guess i still have my demons
 
and i hope it only bothers me at all because i'm stressed about the move and severely lacking in sleep
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Comments:

Heroin filled Mary.
[info]rosetta_torture at 2008-06-09 15:41 (UTC) (Link)
ooh so exciting about a house!
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;;* ashley
[info]starsonthewater at 2008-06-10 04:27 (UTC) (Link)
if this is the case ... then how do we both know what will upset the other and why do we do it?! still?!

It's the beauty of the fact you guys never really had closure, I think—that there was no definite moment when both of you were able to say, "I'm OK with this" and now you go about jabbing the other as a quasi-revenge, albeit in a very passive way.
Everyone knows there's nothing that compares to your happiness with Michael, but at the same time, Corey was your first significant relationship (because Matt didn't count. he smelled)—it's no surprise that traces of him have managed to work themselves into you.
& I do think you bring up an excellent point, that for so long you strived & all but rearranged your life to become "that girl" for Corey... and yet, for all your heartache because of it, he refused to see it, and now some girl who probably had nowhere near your dedication has stepped into a spot that should have been yours?
Yeah. Ouch.

Just remember, love, that while you're going on to do bigger and better things with your itty family, he's always just going to be that little boy with the poofy hair, crushing on girls who will never like him back the way he wishes they would.

♥
(Reply) (Thread)
devinthejerk
[info]devinthejerk at 2008-06-14 21:03 (UTC) (Link)
ok you totally have to add me on myspace brandylyn!

my email is devindazzle@live.com
(Reply) (Thread)
brandylyn_kay
[info]brandylyn_kay at 2008-07-12 16:12 (UTC) (Link)
LOVE LOVE LOVE your profile image, you have my favorite grin
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Bee
[info]asensitiveheart at 2008-06-16 19:08 (UTC) (Link)
Moving is a pain! I've been moving around most of my life [my dad's in the military, so that explains it].
(Reply) (Thread)
brandylyn_kay
[info]brandylyn_kay at 2008-07-12 16:10 (UTC) (Link)
oh wow, me too! what branch was he?

it is such a pain, you are absolutely right - but, i'm getting better and better at it lol. we moved a whole household in about four hours
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amourmonte
[info]amourmonte at 2008-06-21 19:50 (UTC) (Link)
you deserve all of this goodness! - I know it always seems to me that life has a way of taking more than it gives. But I am trying to stay positive (you are an inspiration with everything you have gone through in your life) and remain focused about the future and the present. We shouldn't dwell too much on the past - there are no time machines and it's a waste of time to keep pondering "what if" - I've had to learn that the hard, I wasted a lot of precious time being sad about my childhood.

xoxo
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brandylyn_kay
[info]brandylyn_kay at 2008-07-12 16:09 (UTC) (Link)
thanks so much darling, you are never short of brilliant advise

if there were a time machine, i doubt any of us would be exactly where we belong <3

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knitting_reader
[info]knitting_reader at 2008-06-22 04:59 (UTC) (Link)
you're absolutely beautiful...even if you do weigh a bit more than you're comfortable with. and about the ex thing...i still do that with a guy i quit dating over a year ago. i agree with your other friend about the whole, you tried so hard to be the right girl but something was missing, and so that still hurts you because your effort meant nothing. and seriously, how could he like anyone else ever...because you should have meant everything to him. like really, how can it EVER get any better than what he could have had with you?!

*shrugs* he was an idiot. it helps to ignore their information like that and to focus on the positive things that you do have. he should've realized what he had. (loser) :)

congrats on the house! I can't wait to see the photos!!!
(Reply) (Thread)
brandylyn_kay
[info]brandylyn_kay at 2008-07-12 16:05 (UTC) (Link)
oh honey, thanks so much. that was something that in my deepest of hearts i needed to hear

all i have ever gotten around here is - aggravation for having not completely dashed Corey from my life and thoughts. But i just don't let go of people like that, even with the amazing love that Michael afford me i still stir when i see Corey

i have had time to analyze this mess since then ... and i really believe that in the face of so much success, that i am very very unused to that i naturally reverted back to where i felt comfortable ...

in the arms of failure. and that of course meant with Corey

i'm feeling much better now. i will never feel i deserve, nor embrace success - but at lease i can struggle through it in my written thoughts and with help from beautiful insight like yours <3

thanks oh so much, you don't know what it means :]

the new house is AMAZING and things are finally starting to calm down enough where i can catch up and update, expect an onslaught of photos soon!
::hugs::
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