brandylyn_kay

days after our one year anniversary i find myself in the home that michael and i share ... alone

he's gone. banished by my own desire

why?

nothing he has done or could ever do, i assure you. michael is the most amazing person i've ever met, he's thoughtful and passionate - brilliant and funny

everything you could want in a boy really

which is why i've grounded myself from him, from his constant hugs and kisses and comfort.

because i'm not fit enough to have such a great person right now

i'm lazy and spoiled and melancholy. i'm whole heartedly unhappy with MYSELF and i've turned that aggression and frustration on him.

i've sat around for a year now letting myself fade away and get fat/happy in the relationship. michael jumps to my every whim, i hardly have to move and yet i still eat and drink because he places it all out for me

i've become helpless. i'm like a baby, i ask on him for everything

i don't have the slightest idea of what bills we have, how much they are and when theyre due. michael takes care of everything while i float along like a freaking zombie. i can barely remember what i did yesterday. period (curse, thy name is depression)

i'm not contributing to the relationship at all anymore. all i do is ASK ASK ASK and TAKE TAKE TAKE

it took my until just this morning to realize that, i love him too damn much to make him suffer me anymore the way i have been and am

michael deserves an equal partner, someone who will shoulder exactly half of every responsibility even if it is cleaning out the kitty litter box. he's not a maid or a cook, he's my heart

i've been taking him for granted while i swallow in my own misery of being a few pounds heavier and exceedingly boring

and i'm not going to do it. anymore

unfortunately i think that meant removing him from the situation

he's too kind of a person to believe and understand what i'm saying when i try to explain all of this. but i see the way i snap at him, i see it through this weird haze of semi awareness

i need to find myself again

the brandylyn who got dropped on her ass a million times, but always got back up after a few tears and dusted herself right off. i've been left homeless, barefoot and pregnant, with no food and not a cent to my name ... and eventually i became a fighter

every new challenge would bring new strength and resolve. i don't honestly know that a lot of people would have made it out with so few scars

when i was in a 'relationship' before it was like a vacation, they helped for a while with life and bills - but when things got either too REAL or too TOUGH they couldn't run fast enough ... leaving me with all the broken pieces yet again

i got good at getting back on that goddamn horse

but when michael kept sticking around, and when i realized he actually wanted to stay and meant it ... i got comfortable. and fat. and lazy. and spoiled

so

it takes the first real good man to make me a wreck? after all the bastards before him that tried and only gave me a thicker spine?

i think not

i'm going to find that girl again. that girl that can make it through anything, take care of herself and really have substance

i'll have to dig through layers of cheeseburgers and trampled self esteem ... but eventually i'll find her.

i'll find the brandylyn that would rather read a book than watch tv, who cries when she sees elderly people and is willing to help anyone. i'm going to find the girl who rose before the sun to jog and get in shape, just to have more self pride.

and when i do, i'll be a better person. and a better partner for the man i love. not to mention a better friend, mother and basic human being

to sum up - i'm living alone, in the house of cute cabinetry and comfy sheets. michael is safe with his family, and right now we're both suffering but we're looking forward to being US again soon.

in the meantime we're still dating exclusively, i mean - we haven't broken up. i just don't want him to feel like he has to enable me anymore. i want to be the brandylyn he fell in love with and wants to be with because she has admirable qualities ... and not just because he feels committed