brandylyn_kay

i've done a million things wrong in life, and a million more not worth counting - i've been a terrible friend, lover and family member. including and not limited to sister, mother, wife ect

since i returned to the community from being on probation and in the girl's school (which is kind of like, crazy teenage dyke prison upstate) i've been a mess. ive stolen, borrowed, begged and made a fool of myself. i am most likely a laughing stock because of my mistakes

and i've carried that burden for a long time, with fake smiles and even faker good deeds

but i'm done

i'm done wallowing in what was.

yesterday? gone! the days before that? history!

right now, in this moment

i'm not my mistakes, i'm not my lies or debts

i'm brandylyn k white.

my son is a beautiful and smart little boy, who is loud with no reason and generous with kisses. he adores me i know, and i'm very thankful for that.

my partner is a very sweet and caring man, he's incredibly strong physically and emotionally. he's trusted me without reason and he's always thought the best of me, something that i've lived up to. he was the first to give me a chance and i've learned so much from him

i live in a quaint yet wonderful little home, i can see the state capitol building from my kitchen window and it looks most amazing at night in the glow of spotbeams. i have the 'family' car i've always wanted, it needs a new back tire and a god scrubbing but it carries us safely to and from. i have, also, my rx7 - my only hobby and great source of pride.

sometimes we live as a family from paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes dinner is ramen noodles. i still have nightmares that make me cry and shake, and often the house is dirty.

i have a friendship that requires a lot of daily maintenance, a lot of effort. but it's worth it to snap pictures in bathrooms and cheer obnoxiously at sunday hockey games

every night (late afternoon?) when i get home from work, i have two beautiful and smiling faces that run to greet me and my heart blooms. i'm a hero in their eyes, and leighton loves me even though some of my worst mistakes were towards him. michael thinks i'm beautiful and smart, and the love between us only gets better

i'm the girl now, that i've always wanted to be

it came to me as an epiphany last night.

yeah, my past sucks.

but that's that.

my future doesn't have to, and WON'T suck

i've learned from every bad choice and venom filled moment. i've survived heartbreak and bad times that would have driven most of the people who still judge me as a hobby to jumping off a rooftop.

i'm going to stop hating those people by the way. i'm just going to continue to feel badly for them, that they have nothing better to do with their time. that their lives aren't interesting enough to gossip about. i feel sorry they'll always be in the same mud slinging fight and will never take the chance to step out of the hole and cleanse themselves like i did

i'm going to stop worrying about who disrespects me and questions my choices, it's my life - not theirs.

and my life is fucking awesome :]