i can't sleep
but it's no wonder - there are so many things going on right now, my brain simply won't stop salivating over and digesting it all
for one :: in just under a week we'll be moving into a house. a real live house, no more of this apartment nonsense.
it's utterly beautiful, the house itself i mean.
i would try to describe it, but any words i have just wouldn't do it justice. once settled i plan on assaulting friends and strangers alike with photos, looking forward to that greatly.
overall i am thrilled to have our own laundry room, no more waiting eight days for the neighbors to remove their unmentionables from the washer ... REJOICE!
on the downside it doesn't have a garage, i worry about the cars. i know that sounds dumb, but i do really enjoy not scraping off my windshield after snowstorms or having to put the top on the 7 ... oh well, the pros far outweigh the cons. hello?! it's a house :]
and i can garden
also of interest, i'm starting to feel (umm) attractive again?
when michael and i met, it was eating out three times a day, ice cream nearly every night. and apparently he has the metabolism of a hamster. i went from about 127 to about 162 in three months ... gross.
okay - in fairness i consider it gross because i'm only 5'2" and a little fluff does major damage
but now that i'm out in the world, playing with leigh and walking the mall i see a TEENY difference.
i'm now at 147 exactly, and i know with even a little more concentrated effort it will get better. i think the new house will help, i don't have any room to workout in the apartment and the new house is in a hot spot for walking - being a block away from the hospital and downtown businesses
the new car, the RX7, is helping with my self esteem too.
it's just a car i know, i'm not a gear head - my car is not equal to a human being.
but damn it feels nice to see heads turn. DAMN it feels nice to be the ONLY person in town with that particular car (running at least) and GODDAMN it feels good to be a female driver. there is something indescribably sexy about that :]
on an odd topic
i mystalk (stalk people on myspace) and i admit that i like to check up on people from my past and assure myself that i'm doing better than them. so many people talked down at and about me for so long, i feel great surfing their pages and affirming that i came out on top
and for some reason i checked on my ex
his update is 'Corey likes a girl!'
i have no fucking idea why this bothers me so much
i know that i don't care about him anymore ... it's pretty evident that i love michael - he makes my heart beat and helps me soar. michael's my best friend, my perfect mate and the man i want to grow old with. without him i wouldn't be where or who i am right now, both very good things. he saved my life
yet still - it tugs at me that Corey can like a girl.
perhaps it's just because for so long i wanted, needed to be that girl.
i tried a thousand different ways to be that girl that Corey wouldn't walk away from, and after months of torturing myself :: i was the one who had to walk away and fast. i invested my whole being into trying to earn his love an attention for so long before that, so i guess it still burns when someone else can do it
it's confusing
or it could be just a game, Corey could have just made that update knowing that i'd look. i'm not trying to sound full of myself but he LOVES doing that crap, even a year later. he is the master manipulator, he was the puppet master -
if this is the case ... then how do we both know what will upset the other and why do we do it?! still?!
i know sometimes my updates reflect life far from his tentacles, how incredibly blessed i am and how amazing life is with his cousin. ouch
why do i DO that? to hurt him like he hurt me i think but 'why is he even worth the effort?!'
i guess i'll end this friggin tangent by saying
i do really have an amazing existence.
i have everything i've ever wanted very suddenly. i'm in the longest relationship of my life with a gorgeous man that worships and loves me with all his heart, i am ten times better pampered than a princess.
the house, the cars, the handsome, intelligent son - they're all things i've wanted but thought i could never have, nor that i deserved them. i go to sleep at night with the most obnoxious smile
but i guess i still have my demons
and i hope it only bothers me at all because i'm stressed about the move and severely lacking in sleep