brandylyn_kay

twenty three is going to be a great year

i can tell

friday evening i clambered into my best friend's hot little car to find roses, a card and a tiara made of blinking LED lights. oh joy :}

we met up with jeremiah and marshall at the sports bar and i proceeded to see if i could possibly get alcohol poisoning, which apparently i can't. despite what seems to have been my best effort - with 16 shots, six beers and vanilla vodka burning a hole in my liver.

as embarrassed as i am now, i can't overlook the fact that i had a table full of people there to take care of me. and that means alot. i mean ... i'm pretty sure i was ungodly and ridiculous not long after eleven oclock, and they still love me. my heart is just full with how happy i am there were people to celebrate with and to laugh off my embarrassing moments

the next day (sat which was my actual birthday) found me shrugging off a hangover from hell to meet my coworkers at chili's for lunch. how very grown up i felt having a lunch with my department. we're a tight little bunch in IMS and i love it, adore them

i had to work for a tid bit after that, but nothing terrible ... an hour or two to 'roll' the college games.

then back home o my wonderful boys whom i live for. michael surprised me with a shopping spree for new clothes since i've lost some weight and nothing fits, and then we three had chocolate cake in the warm and lavender scented house.

i had a great birthday, with great people to celebrate with.

i'm a very lucky girl and i'm looking forward to the year ahead.

best birthday ever :]
 

i've done a million things wrong in life, and a million more not worth counting - i've been a terrible friend, lover and family member. including and not limited to sister, mother, wife ect

since i returned to the community from being on probation and in the girl's school (which is kind of like, crazy teenage dyke prison upstate) i've been a mess. ive stolen, borrowed, begged and made a fool of myself. i am most likely a laughing stock because of my mistakes

and i've carried that burden for a long time, with fake smiles and even faker good deeds

but i'm done

i'm done wallowing in what was.

yesterday? gone! the days before that? history!

right now, in this moment

i'm not my mistakes, i'm not my lies or debts

i'm brandylyn k white.

my son is a beautiful and smart little boy, who is loud with no reason and generous with kisses. he adores me i know, and i'm very thankful for that.

my partner is a very sweet and caring man, he's incredibly strong physically and emotionally. he's trusted me without reason and he's always thought the best of me, something that i've lived up to. he was the first to give me a chance and i've learned so much from him

i live in a quaint yet wonderful little home, i can see the state capitol building from my kitchen window and it looks most amazing at night in the glow of spotbeams. i have the 'family' car i've always wanted, it needs a new back tire and a god scrubbing but it carries us safely to and from. i have, also, my rx7 - my only hobby and great source of pride.

sometimes we live as a family from paycheck to paycheck, and sometimes dinner is ramen noodles. i still have nightmares that make me cry and shake, and often the house is dirty.

i have a friendship that requires a lot of daily maintenance, a lot of effort. but it's worth it to snap pictures in bathrooms and cheer obnoxiously at sunday hockey games

every night (late afternoon?) when i get home from work, i have two beautiful and smiling faces that run to greet me and my heart blooms. i'm a hero in their eyes, and leighton loves me even though some of my worst mistakes were towards him. michael thinks i'm beautiful and smart, and the love between us only gets better

i'm the girl now, that i've always wanted to be

it came to me as an epiphany last night.

yeah, my past sucks.

but that's that.

my future doesn't have to, and WON'T suck

i've learned from every bad choice and venom filled moment. i've survived heartbreak and bad times that would have driven most of the people who still judge me as a hobby to jumping off a rooftop.

i'm going to stop hating those people by the way. i'm just going to continue to feel badly for them, that they have nothing better to do with their time. that their lives aren't interesting enough to gossip about. i feel sorry they'll always be in the same mud slinging fight and will never take the chance to step out of the hole and cleanse themselves like i did

i'm going to stop worrying about who disrespects me and questions my choices, it's my life - not theirs.

and my life is fucking awesome :]

it's driving me b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

for those of you who aren't familiar with the nonsense caylee-casey anthony case, i would advise you get out rom under your rock and google that shit :]

briefly, however, for the sake of discussion : young mother goes out clubbing and tossing around boyfriends while SUPPOSEDLY her child's babysitter has taken the little girl caylee ... never to be seen again it would seem.
caylee was reported missing a full month after her alleged kidnapping by the babysitter (who by the way, does not exist according to extensive police investigations)
as the story developed - cadaver dogs, trained of course to find evidence of decomposition, find such evidence in the mother's residence's backyard and near the trunk of casey's abandoned car
casey will tell no one where he daughter is and refuses the possibility that little caylee is dead, despite a tennessee forensics lab confirming her decayed DNA in the trunk of aforementioned car

this case has become a three ring circus of casey haters, protesters and the media at large.
even i'm enveloped, routinely in front of my tv every weeknight at six to watch the unfolding drama

and after many long baths to ponder my obsession

i've decided it's because casey is a young mother, and seems to be a pathological liar

hmmm, all too familiar to me

before her initial arrest she took investigators to universal studios where she said she worked, and eventually after leading them through unknown hallways there she announced that no, she didn't really work there. the apartment she said she dropped little caylee off at has been vacant for five months+
she stole money from her grandfather's retirement fund, forged checks from a friend for over a thousand dollars

the list goes on

and i'm forced to remember, that once i wasn't that different

you could say the sky was blue, show it to my own fully functioning eyes, and i would still hold to my own lie that it was zebra stripped
i've been caught, i've gone unnoticed, i've hurt and i've sometimes helped with my lies ... but i've always done it.

lying was once easier for me to spew than the truth on any given day

i'm embarrassed of myself. i hate that the one truth about me was that i couldn't tell the TRUTH to save my life!

like the day corey came home and confronted me about not working. while he was working two jobs to support us, i would sit at home all day or go through huge rouses to fake a work schedule. even sleeping in my car all day if i knew he was going to be home

that hurts most

but there are a million more. countless more lies surrounding and trailing me like a vicious cloud

when i stopped it was only because i was spending every moment of the day with michael and had no lies to fabricate. i guess somewhere along our relationship the truth just became a habit, like lying once was

i'm not saying i've ever had a dead body in my truck, but i can understand her lying. she said she was working, to her boyfriend that she was going to school - i can understand making your own reality and the then after snowball effect. it's so easy to lie

i hate her, i wish she'd finally be selfless enough to tell someone where to find her poor baby for a proper burial. if i met her face to face i don't doubt i'd spit in her mug ...

but i guess, i'm enamored and obsessed so because - i've lived similarly and this could have been my rose colored reality

i finally understand how upsetting it was for friends and family to want to beat the truth out of me.

and i want to say, from someone who was once a shadow of casey anthony's bizarre nature

the truth shall set you free

someday



 

as i watched him murder the cake and NOM it all down, i got those floaty motherly feelings that so often elude me. 

normally i treat leighton more like a sibling than my own flesh and blood child - we roll around and play like WWE fans, we tickle fight and argue ... but on days like this i just am overcome by how blessed i am

he really is a remarkable and beautiful child

he helps to pick out his own clothes, which usually entail tiny jeans and a funny tee shirt. (the 'i still live with my parents' is a personal favorite)

he is adamant about not being ready to tackle the potty training issue just yet

he sings in the car. loudly

he loves to hold hands while walking

he would rather sleep on the floor beside his bed than actually on it ... but that's a huge graduation from the week he slept under it. (i swear to you, i thought he'd been kidnapped and my heart stopped)

his favorite game is itsy bisty spider, and in fact he can NEARLY do all the hand motions in time

he gives kisses willingly and in great numbers

and 

he absolutely loves violence on TV. really, he lives for it. the moment something falls or a face is punched he literally shouts with delight

he is most wonderful

*

from my pure amazement and wonder towards him, my thought track wavered to what brought us this far

...

i have an older son

his name is damian treat overling, and this past july he turned four years old

i have not seen him in two years, he lives with my mother karen

and

i'm okay with that

*

let's start at the beginning, shall we?

in junior high i met and maintained a purely acquaintance based friendship with a boy named matt. 

we weren't even really good friends, in fact i kind of always thought him to be very strange and obnoxious ... especially since he was a grade behind me and the kind who always interrupted class in math II

then, a mutual friend of ours unfortunately committed suicide. (damin has this boy's middle name in fact)

matt was designated as a pallbearer and devastated at the loss. i could see the toil and hurt in his eyes as he stood at the front of the church and then later found him crying outside. my heart just - it seeped from my chest. i can't explain it, i had never wanted before to just take care of someone so much ... to make them happy

long story short - i found out, or at least admitted, that i was pregnant six months later

my pregnancy seemed to fly by. i was so scared, so unprepared. i had hardly even had exposure to young children outside of nieces and nephews. i saw my life ending with every trimester, i dropped out of school, got my GED and a full time job :: i was miserably resolved.

everyone around me was thrilled. matt had puppy like excitement and my mother was already planning out the child's whole life it seemed. i felt al along like a container, a mere vessel to shuttle their little dream child into the world. a child i secretly loathed 

the birth of dami-butt (as i would affectionately start calling him) was ... the worst experience of my life

much like motherhood i was unprepared for the blood, pain and horror that is child birth. it wasn't the calming, nurturing experience everyone foretold ... it was a nightmare. i thought i was going to die, i've forgotten how many hours i was in labor now (a trick of the mind no doubt) but it seemed like days. and then after?

after 

i felt nothing. i didn't instantly love my child.

that's the honest to god truth

i felt like a monster, i thought - 'well this is just the baby blues, it will pass'

but it never did. never ever

i continued to feel lost in the situation. i worked hard everyday, i rose before the sun to get to work as a customer service rep ... i dropped the baby off with my grandmother , i came home with dami from work and wasted my days in routine. my life flew by in a blur of neutrality

i stayed with matt because it was the right thing to do, but i didn't love him. 

which is why he left. 
matt left with little or no 'to do' on father's day, and i marched through it like the emotionless robot i felt like

matt delved into partying and drugs, other women and booze ... and i stayed the course. work, home, sleep, repeat

and then

i started dating

i met my husband tristan and really committed myself to keeping him around, so much so that i neglected damian.

at the time i didn't see myself doing it. 
it was certainly not a conscience effort. while my heart didn't beat for damian, it wasn't that i didn't care about him ... i just lost my damn mind. for the first time in my life i was going out, feeling beautiful and wanted. it was my own personal drug. my crack, my heroin. and like most addicts my child suffered because of my priorities. 
i was a terrible mother then

gone went all the hard work carrying and birthing him, and raising him up until then. i might as well have thrown him in a dumpster.

my mother took him, with help from the grandmother i nonchalantly dropped him off with, and even my friends

i always said to myself - what i needed was HELP and not to have everything stripped from me. not to have my life ruined. 

but i didn't fight to have damian back. very soon after she took him i found out i was pregnant with leighton

i let damian go.

damian is in a safe and loving environment, his father joined the military and is proving to be a great role model. and while the relationship with my family is completely severed because of the pain and betrayal i feel, i know they love him better than i ever did.

*

sometimes i look at pictures of him to see ... anything.

and i really don't. 
i see a little boy that looks exactly like a blond haired version of his father. i see in the pictures my mother in the role i might have had - snap shots of them having birthday cake and playing Thomas the train. and yet i still feel nothing for either subjects in the photograph

when i had leighton i actually lived and breathed for that little boy. i held him close and bonded, he's my entire joy and my best friend. i love leighton with all my heart

and while i feel like a failure for not giving damian an equal or greater devotion, i can't force it.

i think i was always a vessel for matt and my mother to have a glowing little boy. i never felt like his mother and to this day do not. i wonder if it's a trick of the mind :: to keep me detached so as not to be in constant heartbreaking pain. but i really don't know

what i do know is

i'm glad there's a little boy out there for a lot of people to love, and i'm sorry i can't be one of them. 
i'm hopeful that i passed on a few good features (he has my nose) and equally that one day he grows outside of all of this mess and doesn't hate the woman who gave him life. i hope he doesn't resent his brother leighton for being loved and at home

i hope that one day i can forgive myself. i hope i can lower my pride and realize that he needed something more than i could give him and that he's happy.

i guess every mother wants happiness for her child, despite everything.

yes ... yes ... my plan for world domination and total annihilation is nearly complete! all i need do now is cover everyone else's car that i hate with grass clippings! mwhahahaha

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!

there are whispers that i'm the suspect of a totally random event - in which this girl's car was covered in grass from a recently mowed lawn.

ummm, right

not only do i not own a lawnmower, from which to cultivate the sheared tops of a lawn
 
but

i have absolutely better things to do with my evenings. kthanx

and on another note

if i even cared enough to even bother with this chick, i have plenty more clever means of revenge than a bag of lawn remains on her crappy car. jesus

people in this town are TINY and ridiculous. the end. 

i'm only taking notice and making note of it because it is so damn funny.

no, no, no

see if i wanted to get revenge on this particular girl i'd have to

:: befriend every one of her ex boyfriends (though that might make it difficult since she's been with the same lying, cheating bastard her whole life ... and he's LESS worth befriending than a rabid pit bull)

:: gossip and speculate about her until my eyes bled from all the analytical thoughts

:: i'd have to wait until she had an irreparable relationship with her parents, like i do - and THEN talk to and hang out with them. BFFs forever!

:: let michael talk about her constantly, like her loser boyfriend did to me. i'd have to sit by and loyally say nothing while michael posted bulletins about her sexual activities and called her 'lower than dirt'. (but that wouldn't work either, michael is way better than that. much to my chagrin)

:: and i'd certainly have to speculate that random bad events in my life are directly linked to her. that tube of chapstick that i lost? she totally stole it. oh and my tipped over trash can? SO her

because after all - do unto others as they've done unto you right?

this!

this is why we aren't friends anymore!

not because of this wild mean streak in me. or because i was looking for a fight, or future means of 'green revenge' ... no. because i'm tired of the many mystifying levels of patronizing, passive aggressive gossip BULLSHIT our 'friendship' turned into!

done. SRSLY

 to the powers that may or may not be ::

please, please, please don't  make me cut my hair.

with all my heart i beseech you

i know due to over processing and bleach tub dives, the mess atop my head is more akin to straw than hair ... i know that i would save myself a lot of time and expensive reconstructing efforts if i just hacked off the damage and began anew ... and equally i'm aware that it wouldn't be detrimental because (hell) i look cute with short hair

but -

it took me so long to even get this far! nearly eleven months and i'm sporting five inches?! unfair!

i want so badly to be able to loop and swirl my hair into a cute updo for the wedding next year, and there is NO way if i chopped it now it would be at the length my fantasy demands!

ugh

i've got a somewhat desperate assortment of reconstruction products nearby which i plan to use all friggin day, month - year

hopefully they'll at least give me a glimmer of hope. if i can even get another inch of growth out f this mess i can snip the very ends and be right where i want to be.

please! 

any emergency care for hair advise would be greatly appreciated

and yes, one day - i will doubtlessly learn to stop doing this crap to myself.

i've decided that if i had the self control and determination - that i would go all anorexic (ala pre baby nicole ritchie)

i know a statement like that just screams for help and expensive therapy sessions, but really i am so so tired of the way i look currently. yeah sure i know, i'm only like twenty five pounds overweight for my body type and height ... blah blah blah

facts and reason mean nothing when you're standing next to a gorgeous boyfriend who weighs like, air. or when i know that in a mere month i'm supposed to go down and meet his friends and family back home

i mean

michael comes from park city utah. this is like, upper class people! forgive me for sounding like a wyoming native.

park city is where the rich and beautiful go to play in the snow and watch crappy indie flicks during sundance. and i'm going to look so out of place ... the very idea is horrifying. especially meeting all of michael's high school and college friends, who look like extras on the set of one tree hill. 

 ... his ex girlfriend, who he is still great friends with - looks like a fuller lipped rachel bilson clone. so unfair

and yeah i know that i have the personality to keep him and make him happy, i'm a pretty cool female. 
but i think i'd be that much cooler and more confident if i weighed about 120

seriously i have everything in the world to make me happy. i have aforementioned mr. perfect by my side to love and adore me. i have a brilliant little boy, a house, two cars, rolling balls of kitten fluff and foster dogs ...

and yet

i have these crazy dominating thoughts like 'i wish i could be locked in a room with no food for a few weeks'
ummm, hello insanity? thy name is brandylyn

i just want my outward appearance to match everything else, my blessings and personality traits

boo hissssss